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Re: Struggling with the concept of Need DAisym

Posted by muffled on June 26, 2007, at 22:37:06

In reply to Struggling with the concept of Need, posted by DAisym on June 26, 2007, at 19:34:31

> I sort of turned the thread above into this but since I suspect this is something I will revisit again and again, I wanted to be able to find it when I'm in this spot again next year. *sigh*

**Good idea!
> In my session today, we talk about my wanting to figure out what exactly my need for my therapist is. I told him I can use all the right words - I need him for security and safety and containment -- but those weren't really IT.

**Ya, my T makes me feel safe. Makes me feel like maybe I am OK even though she knows I a freak. If I get real lost, then mebbe she would come find me. Maybe. Dunno bout that. I not her kid, but its a nice thot.

The need is something undefinable and it feels so huge and very bad. He asked me to stick my judgements in the corner and really try to stay with just defining it. What do I need from him? We started with what do I get from therapy? That was a bit easier - a place and permission to "tell" as well as a place to express anger where it won't hurt anyone. He wanted me to just list things and then he moved to having me list (no thinking, just saying) some of my feelings about therapy - how did I feel in this room? So we did that for a little while. And then it got much harder.

**Oh SH*T, THAT would be HARD. Then it got harder?
> "What do you get from me and our relationship? Why is it important to you?" I really had to think and gather my courage, even though we've talked about the variety of feelings before. I told him that I got to feel special and heard and cared for.

**Wow, thats huge...makes my chest hurt.

And that I really believed he didn't want me to die, not because I do anything important for him but simply because he would miss me.

*Wow again. That is SO cool that you can say and KNOW that. You sure been doing good work w/that man.

I admitted to thinking every once in awhile that some of what he did was cya or because he had to - but mostly I knew he felt bad when I felt bad.

**HOW did you come to accept this stuff was TRUE???? Just over time?

I told him he also let me love him without demanding anything back for this privilege. And that I'd never had that before, ever.

**glad you got it now.
> We took all these good things and put them up against my fears - and talked about why I have really good reasons to be afraid of needing him. He said I restrict myself into a tight little space but I see myself encroaching on everyone and everything. He likened it to an anorexic who has a distorted body image - I have a distorted need image. So we've diagnosed me with PTSN - Post Traumatic Stress Need disorder - because having needs is very traumatic for me.

**Needs...I have always been confused by 'needs'? Guess I need to read up on it. Just what EXACTLY are they? Are they always the same? Do they go away? Hmmm, mebbe good topic for T for me.
> At the very end, I asked him how I would ever get over the fear of losing someone I cared about so much. He said you don't - you learn to live with it. You don't make it front and center, and if you give yourself completely and then lose that someone, it does hurt. But it is worth the risk to be that known.

*WISE words. I sometimes worry bout losing a child. I dunno how someone bears that. But they do. Its a worry. Worth the risk w/others???I still working on THAT one...
This is sure interesting.
> It was a good session, he even said so! Ironically he started with, "I'm fighting off a cold, so don't get too close." I left feeling very close to him. And like I still have an enormous amount of work to do.

LOL that is ironic!
But I agree, good session, and I glad you posted cuz its given me some ideas too.




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