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answering your questions » Lindenblüte

Posted by ElaineM on November 27, 2006, at 20:09:19

In reply to Re: what's going on » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 17:55:33

>>>>What thoughts are running through your head as you prepare to go (or miss) an appt.?

When I go: The way there is so long. The commute will be hard. I hope the silences aren't too awkward. I have someone to vent a bit to about what's going on with me. I will have a witness to what's going on with me physically, and he will try and be sympathetic. I will talk outloud to another human today.

When I don't: The day will be long. I guess I won't see anyone today. I wish I felt more up to going out, even a little (but to be fair, even if it's not to him)

>>>>Do you see him out of habit? Ritual? Duty?

Habit - though I'm not sure it's *always* a bad one. And duty - cause he wants me to come, and I should follow through on my own commitment to going on the days I am actually well enough to do so. But also duty to myself - I think isolation and silence breeds more despair.(if destraction is ever possible, it's helpful)

>>>>>After you've seen him (lately)-- do you feel more balanced? more introspective? more self-destructive? Stronger? Weaker? happier? lighter? depressed? in pain? surreal? frustrated? angry?

There've been times lately where I have left feeling worse (when he doesn't seem to hear me, when we don't talk about my stuff [though my life is pretty empty], when I don't know how to help more with all his pain or ask better things, when I can notice him not responding like how I've heard others describe their T's words/questions here)

Sometimes calmer - when I can vent about doctor stuff, when he helps with that, when my mood is lightest then I feel good that he gets something from our meetings, relieved I've been listened to for a couple of hours, when he says that he'd visit me in the hospital if I ended up there, or drive me places to appointments if I wanted.

>>>>Do you still mail him updates on you?

Yes, when I'm feeling lonely and also have something new and specific to update him on. But I never do to just chit-chat (I'm to lazy and self-centered for that). Though if he seems particularily upset after a meeting I'll usually email the next day to see if he's alright and what he thought was going on.

>>>>Are his e-mails to you coming out of the blue, or where you checking up on him, or confirming your appt?

March or April was the first time he initiated an email exchange, and I remember he noted it and said, "I guess now the shoes on the other foot". Now, it's 90% him who initiates emails. Over the summer it was to ask what I've been doing on my own, see if I want to try something in public together. Then late summer it was him telling me how he felt about me, and what our relationship was, and how he wanted me to respond and say my feelings for him back. Then early Fall it switched to updates and ideas he has on his stuff that we've been working on together. And now he emails to see how I am health-wise, asking if I'm making it to a meeting, and asking if I'm mad at him or if he's pissed me off. Throughout, he always asks if I'm doing alright. And if he thinks a meeting went weird he assumes I think the same, and he emails to ask me.

Lately, he's sent some emails where he's said that he wants to switch the relationship to only social because he said he wanted to "acknowledge that i don't think that i am doing anything 'therapeutic' for you and i'm not being any kind of doctor for you. so then we can still do what we've been doing as friends, not patient-doctor...". THough he's said things since that contradict that. Like, that we can stop keeping track of me as a patient, but that he could still prescribe medication for me.

So that's what's been going on. THe very latest stuff has been a few long emails of his ideas/thoughts which have left me quite hurt and confused (me not being appropriate for "psychotherapy" and it not being worth my while to try a different professional) He said alot of stuff, misunderstood my opinion and feelings on alot of issues that mean something to me, and put some words into my mouth in the process. Not to be mean to me, but just from him really not understanding. I've recently emailed him back a loooooong list of questions and points of view and requests for him to clarify what he means by certain things. Though he emailed me this morning to say that he won't get back to me for a day or two cause he needs to process what I've said and asked, to make sure he responds in a way that won't push me away even more (and that he also has a publishing meeting tomorrow).

So that's that. At some point, I may post a little of what he said and what I thought, cause I do find it confusing and upsetting. Some of the stuff sounds so off the wall to me, I know right away hearing it that you guys here would disagree. And I think I would too - but it's hard when someone you spend so much time with says that they really believe something about you to be true. It makes me wonder. But I'll wait a bit cause this was long.

Other then that, I have an abdominal and an icky ultrasound tomorrow. So I have to fast again - I guess it won't be as difficult now, considering.

blove, EL

ps. Thanks for the nice words Muff. It always helps.




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