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what's going on » Lindenblüte

Posted by ElaineM on November 25, 2006, at 12:53:26

In reply to Re: Friday » ElaineM, posted by Lindenblüte on November 25, 2006, at 9:02:28

I tend to wake up during the night the past few weeks because of the pain in my side, but I expect it now. It's upsetting, but it's not a shock anymore. Other then that I guess I did sleep okay - at least it was a night I was able to actually fall back asleep.

I do think I sound different. It's true, I am eating slightly better, and walking a little better since taking that medicine last weekend. It didn't work "normally" or completely, it's not a cure, and doesn't provide an explanation, but it's a little alleviation - and I'll take that:-) The pain is still the same though (and still flares up pretty bad - usually at the end of the day), and my mood tends to faciliate according to that. When it's a little better today then I can relax a little more, and hope a little more, and the fear decreases slightly. When two days ago I could barely breathe it hurt so much, that's when I cry out of despair and want to just give in and get everything over with.

It's strange because yesterday was quite upsetting because I had another appointment with "full disclosure doc" that didn't go well at all, but because I was actually feeling a little less pain yesterday, I was able to tolerate that with a little more bravery and composure then I'd normally have. Anyways, I'd update about it, but I did yesterday (I just don't know how to post a link to it). It wasn't too much of a difference: variation on the continuing theme - my charts hadn't arrived still, she didn't think what I was saying was a big deal, and she said she'd send out a referral to the "specialist" she usually refers to (she'd never heard of the guy I went to before). I'm upset with the delays, and how terribly long it takes to get meetings. Though I did tell her that I was afraid that not moving fast enough now would have me in the hospital for Christmas. She seemed to have some empathy there. It's not that I think she thinks I'm lying, I really think that, as a plain old PCP, she just doesn't know what she can do at this point to figure out more about the cause, or alleviate the symptom. But enough about that...I'll save more of my upset for a bad day [can't waste the rare good ones ;-)]

I missed T again though because of yesterday. So I've gone to 3 out of the last 10 meetings. It's really affecting him. He sent me a message Thursday and I don't really understand it - like the underlying message. [I'm still deciding if I should just hold back quoting his email. anxiety, fear of him seeing, guilt...same old, same old. I'll let you know when I decide :-)]

blove, EL

ps. to add to the embarassment, I've acutally been to three Bon Jovi concerts in my life. Lighter-in-the-air and everything! ((((guilty pleasures)))) (((((good past memories))))




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