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Thursday » caraher

Posted by ElaineM on November 23, 2006, at 12:12:32

In reply to Re: Monday, posted by caraher on November 22, 2006, at 13:05:09

Hi C. I don't really know what his motives ended up being. I went to T yesterday after a long break. I probably shouldn't have cause I could barely walk upright by the time I got home. But it was also very strange. He asked how I was and then very quickly switched to, "Well I've had a busy week so far..." and went into describing things that he's been doing - like a concert and other personal developments. I was not really giving any answers, but I engaged with his stuff a little bit, and then really just sat in silence. He started looking really uncomfortable and then said, "I guess we don't have much to say." I was just like, ?!?!?! A week apart and we have nothing to say? Well, that's probably because I've been throwing up, and at the ER, and hardly sleeping, and..... I could've talked for hours about what this past weekend has been like. THe pain, the anxiety, trying the new med. But he didn't even ask. I volunteered some stuff but then I just thought that if he can't engage a little on his own, is he even hearing anything I'm saying now anyways.

THis break has been strange. He told me that he has a hard time holding an image of me in his head when we have such long periods apart. He asked if I could relate, (and I used to have the same problem before his boundaries fell away completely) but I said "No. Not anymore. Plus I'm so consumed in what's happening to my body right now that I'm often only thinking of myself, and how to eat enough, and how to get through a day [and night :(]" THen he said something like, Yes I seem to always forget how hard this is on you. It's answers like that that I CAN'T stand! I feel like I'm "reminding" him to think of my position so often. I know he does genuinely feel bad for me, and wishes he could take away some of what's wrong, but he keeps "forgetting" my side. So when he keeps saying that he forgets, I get so sad and frustrated cause I don't want to have to be talking about the illness and how it has run me into the ground, and how it's making me have suicidal thoughts, again and again. If I say it once, I want him to remember!! *sigh*

I'm getting to the point where (I'm glad to know that he thinks about me often but) I want to run out of sessions as soon as they start. It's just very sad to me though. Like I've lost the only pretty consistent human contact I have. It's hard thinking of NOT having him, cause he knows me so well. He knows the best (whatever that is), the worst, the disgusting things I've done, had done to me, he knows all my past, he knows of my family, he knows about all of my treatments/therapists before, he knows my health problems and can name the docs I have (and has opinions of each of them). He knows so much. It's a hard thing to just throw away. But I kinda feel it happening now anyways.

And part of me wants him to stay around for a selfish reason: cause he said that if I (god forbid) end up in the hospital over Christmas, that he would come and stay with me. :( THat's my worst fear. The scariest, worst thing that could ever happen. It'd be traumatic enough (considering my history of watching people die in hospitals) but over Christmas! would be too much to endure. :"(

I have an appointment tomorrow with "Full Disclosure Doc" and I'm hoping that my papers have all arrived for her. I hope she has an idea about what to do, and doesn't defer to someone else, again. I've been getting feedback on another board here about brooching the issue of my weight-loss in a way that will be taken as an issue I'm concerned about, and NOT a resurgence of the AN. [like I really have the energy or state of mind to pursue something like that now!] So I'm trying to write out what I need to say to her and how, so I won't just get all upset and lose my words, and motivation, if she says something upsetting. I'm also worried that tomorrow will be another horrible-pain day. But maybe that would be good. I'm usually so concerned with appearing composed, and trying to be brave, that I smile and downplay everything. Maybe she needs to see me breaking to "get" it.

I'm tired. And tired of living like this. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm lonely and scared. I'm desperate and have so much pain so often. I don't even remember what it feels like to be neutral. I want so very much for something productive to happen tomorrow. I can take alot, but something's gotta give really soon.

blove, EL {strange. I just had a typo and typed "believe" instead of "blove". :') }

ps. Li, I can't often manage to move around to do stuff outside, but a nice thing I *did* get myself to do was make a new Christmas music CD. Christmas always looks like a happier more colorful time - it's destracting in a good way for me. It always had made me feel safer or happier or something during the worst years. So I'm glad it's on it's way.




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