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Re: how long does grieving what you never had last

Posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 12:07:14

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 17, 2006, at 23:31:55

I don't know if or when it ever goes away completely. (I'm sure that's not news, but I thought I'd say it anyway.) But it does go away enough that it's just a part of your experience, a part that you don't have to live in.

But I remember years of being utterly devastated. But it also doesn't have to be that way for you. I was somewhat older than you and had been through some major major life disappointments-- before it got that bad. So I think it's so great that you're doing this now-, rather than not facing things, and living out the losses again and again in your real life.

I think it will gradually get better. The deepest grief will open up less often, and better thoughts, or feelings, or possibiliites will creep into your thoughts more quickly, and you'll move through it more easily.

It won't be something you'll notice at first, and then one day, you'll realize it isn't as bad as if used to be. And another day, you'll realize, to your surprise, that it's very very different.

You sound very together and determined, and the best you can do is go through it, which is just basically, extremely hard and sad, and makes you ask many questions over and over that are unanswerable-- until you just don't have to ask them any more. They won't be answered-- but they won't be questions either--

It's okay not to be okay. It's a process and the process has, as part of it, a sense that you're stuck, and it'll never end. But it will, because you have so much more in you than the grief.

Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" or put yourself down for not being better. These things happen silently, and under the surface, and no one really knows what or when or how about them. The changes emerge.

Jost


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