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Re: ((((((Li))))))) » SatinDoll

Posted by Lindenblüte on November 15, 2006, at 18:29:53

In reply to Re: ((((((Li))))))), posted by SatinDoll on November 15, 2006, at 15:12:47

> Li,
> Wow, what a hard session. But I think you started the real work several months ago when you admitted that yes you have been abused and no, it isn't your fault.

I know. I feel like I told my newT all of what i remembered. Since then, the door has shut again on many of those memories. I can only open the door when I am feeling really really scared. Those doors were open for some reason for about 6 weeks in August-September. And now they are shut, and I don't know if I want to open them again. What I will find inside? dust? a monster? overwhelming feelings that make me want to?

> It is so hard for me to say that they won't hurt me, because my mom still can, I wish for her death, so I can live peacefully in mine. I know that sounds so cold, but my mom wasn't a mom, she was what my T calles "one scary psycho bitch".

That's okay SatinDoll, you are not evil for having such wishes. I have wished similar things too, and I am no longer afraid to tell T or husband that I wish my dad would die. I think there is enough suffering, and if he were able to heal suffering-- well, it might be a different story. For now, though, he seems to be slipping in to old patterns. It was nice when he was really ill. He was as meek and gentle as a lamb. As sunny as a small child at the fair. Now the monster has found his mind again, and he is taking up residence. If dad were motivated to help himself, it would be different. As it is now, I think his life is over, and his body persists only to cause more suffering.

> Do you think you can work with this T?
It seems kinda of soon to bring up this when she hasn't given you enough time to really know and trust her yet.

I know, but I don't have a lot of time. When I'm finishing my dissertation, I'll be moving on. Less than a year. So, I go a few times a week, and I do the best I can. So far everything I've seen from her, and heard about her is very positive. I like her person, and I like her words. She is incredibly sensitive, and apologizes when she does things that I don't even notice- like when her voice was hoarse when she had a cold, or when she turned her back to me when she was looking up something on her calendar. She has given me no reason to fear her, or her reactions. So, yes-- I trust her, but I'm just having a hard time putting myself in a place of vulnerability in general. So, that's the lay of the land. I read her dissertation though, so I know that my gentle, sensitive T is not weak. She told me on the very first session, "Li, I'm here to hold your crap. Let me hold your crap" And that's where she stands. That line was kind of out of context at the time, but sometimes the things we learn don't always mean much at the time...

>> But maybe you do, I just know I wouldn't have, but I have trust issues.

we all do-- but the flip side of "trust issues" is that we have a "highly refined self-protective mechanism". I'm so sorry that your mother is still a dangerous presence in your life. Nevertheless, the things that you have accomplished, despite the terror, the instability etc-- well, those are just a bit more precious than gifts that come easily.

> Take care of yourself Li

Part of taking care of myself is to clean up whatever is hiding behind those doors.

I'm doing 3 things to help me right now
1) healthier diet and more activity
2) music- I played violin for an hour last night. Songs with passion and pain. I let myself sing a little bit through my instrument. I played it- not practicing. And I feel safe when I can express pain in this way-- Tchaikovsky's pain. Don Juan's Pain. It's okay. I'm not alone. I can channel it.
3) spirituality- I'm going to a buddhist service in a little while, with meditation afterwards. This will be good for me, because it will be safe, and yet intimately reconnect me with my soul, and the soul of other people past and present and future. To feel part of a continuum- to wipe the mystery out of the experience and seek to understand it. Live in it, not try to control it.
> Hugs,
> SatinDoll

likewise (((((satindoll)))))

If you have a chance, maybe the anthem of the evening is Tchaik. violin concerto, 2nd mvmt. yes.




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