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Re: Eeek no. I just can't think about it. Daisym

Posted by 10derHeart on November 15, 2006, at 16:02:27

In reply to Re: Eeek no. I just can't think about it. 10derHeart, posted by Daisym on November 15, 2006, at 0:06:37

I know this isn't the point of your post or anything, but the confounding thing to me (not so much for T's - they just sort of patiently accept it while I ruminate...) is...that my mother WAS all that and more. My childhood is one of those *perfect* ones - seriously I have zero, nada, zip from childhood that could explain any of this stuff.

Now things from age 19 (mom's death) and then from about then on until age 33 or so - sure. Relationships with men full of deception, distrust, dishonesty, gaslighting, infidelity, several varities of abuse....and the list could go on. Everything I feel, all the stuff clearly from a little girl perspective, with its fear and longing to be taken care of, traces back to only adult events. Which gets me to feeling like a weird, outsider within a group that society already often casts as outsiders.

I mean, the tears seem to be exactly about rapprochement, to the point I can't even speak or think it's so profound and childlike, yet why? The ugly emotional and physical things that happened in my 20's or 30's have nothing to do with toddler-hood! I don't get it. And I suppose it doesn't matter, yet it does. Maybe I'm just trying to at least fit in with common patterns within our wonderful bunch of *misfits* (anyone with mental health issues), and I'm upset I don't seem to? How dumb is that?! I loved my parents for being as wonderful as they were, and DON'T in any way wish there had been abuse or neglect - of course not.

I dunno - it gets complicated.




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