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Re: my friends jumped me :( cassie17

Posted by kerria on November 14, 2006, at 17:07:50

In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16

Hi,

i don't know if i know you or not- it's confusing when people change their name for different forums. it's a good ides i think and i should have done that also - if i did i wouldn't have been so noticed - it hasn't been helpful to me - i feel worse every day.

It is so scary to read my words- the fact that anyone brings up old posts at an upsetting time is a nightmare to me- not like a nightmare - worse than a nightmare- because it's so upsetting. it's upsetting having parts and realizing that you are separate.

Even when Dr Bob brought up my recent posts it was so upsetting for me to read- i cried for hours and wasn't ab't to function well enough to do the things i planned- i was so afraid on a strrt corner away- far away from m,y home- i lost time and found myself unable to cope at all with where i was and paniccked.

It's been such an upsetting day.

i think i'm not doing well enough to write at forums- i need support but things like reading my own writing is so upsetting for me. i still have such a hard time knowing that i have parts.

Reading something that's different from what you write like is upsetting, isn't it?

i never remember saying or thinking that no one has had things like this happen to them- some people have- i don't know why it's such a big deal and others dislike that about me- i can tell them worse things about myself than that.

Honestly i don't ever compare myself with anyone - i really don't. i don't even compare myself with myself.

i know and have compassion on everyone that is having such a hard time- i write to people a lot when i 'm doing a little better to only encourage and give hugs if ok- i must have given a thousand hugs- i meant from my heart because i know how terrible it is to feel alone in your suffering and how it is to have no friends . Some people have no other support than forums- no T or way to have therapy- it's really hard for everyone.

i think that- i don't say it often enough i guess but i don't remmeber anyone else saying things like that either- and no one criticizes them. i am totally confused at why people think that i feel that i have things worse than everyone else.
i know that that isn't true- i don't ever compare- like i said- it's useless to compare- i have compassion- and i have so much more compassion on others than they have on me ifff you could see into my heart. That's why i never say anything negative to anyone, it's because i know they're having a hard time- and i don't want to make it worse.
i want to be there for people that have no one that understands what their going through.

i honestly do.
It's been a terrible day- i'm not doing well- if something come out bad- please disregard- i'm having a hard time with everything- with going on another day. i feel rejected and don't know what to do about how i can't control what i'm doing- can't get to anywhere on time. Overwhelmed with the failure that i am as a mother and a wife- my d. said she hated me today and i hate myself so much and the other parts feel scared and hurt.

and i miss the support group and still don't know why there was so much negativity- please read it again- i did. It was even more negative than i thought before.

Have you ever heard things that were so negative ever said to anyone at that forum before?

i haven't,
and i have never read anything here against someone- no one is allowed to sigle someone out and say things like "You never take any advice" etc . i do take almost all the advice.

i still can't journal- i 'm terrified to read my writing- but i did everything else- i saw a new T yesterrtday. The appt and all the calling was made for months before- people still are angry because i ''didn't do it' and i did!

It's so confusing- it's so much misunderstanding. i think that a lot of people need a villian- and they wanted to make someone take the heat from all the things anyone had done wrong so they picked me. i don't know why- maybe people hate my parts as much as i do sometimes- i'm trying to see something worth going on for.

TEARS,
kerria-- i want to change my name- i want to be like everyone else. or i want to be nobody. i never want to come again. the criticism is to terrible. i hate myself . i already hate my writinplease don't put it in my face- please- it's torture to me and makes me feel s.

i'll try not to write about others and just say 'i


i do feel unloved- not only- i feel hated.

i do feel rejected- i reject myself also and am afraid to live with myself.

i feel that i messed up my life and my family. i wish i never lived.

is that better?

i know everyone struggles with feeling like that- and some can't see or walk- have even worse pain than mine. It dodn't make me feel any better- i can understand and be there for them - hopefully someone can make it- we can make it together.

tears,
kerria


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