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Overwhelmed and far from home

Posted by inthegloaming on November 12, 2006, at 21:12:43

Hey Babble-ites (Babblers?),

Just need to type this out. Bear with me.
So here's the story. I'm 22. I moved across the country for work and have lived here on the west coast for about 2 months. Own apartment, own bills, own cat, own problems.

About a week or so into my stint here, I met an amazing girl. For the past 2 months, we've basically been hanging out every day, both of us (her more so than me) on the fence about crossing the "friends" line. She just got out of a relationship and her life is kind of upside down right now though she has full parental support right here. She's not sure she wants to "go there" with me, yet or at all. I like her a ton, etc.

But anyway, one day I was super nervous and scared and sad and I broke down on her. I felt comfortable enough to do so, to pull out all I'd been feeling. She was great with me. Said she wanted to see all of me, even the bad parts.

Problem is, she has a crazy ex and that ex made her terrified of people in emotional turmoil the way I was. She says it isn't my fault, it's just a trigger for her. Even though she said she was proud of me for opening up, it was scary for her.

After the whole thing happened, I began to get really nervous, harking back to my panic attack days. I've been crying a lot for the past 3 days and calling my parents and feeling home-sick (something I rarely get) and nostalgic for childhood. It's hard for me to stay in the apartment; it feels so small, smaller still with the crazy kitten I just adopted. I think I'm scapegoating the kitten a little, too, making her responsible for my nervousness.

I just want to be happy and feel at home here and I was and then everything fell apart, mostly I think because I feel like I don't have a support system (yet) because of how my friend reacted. I don't want to put the blame on her so I think I've channeled it into the apartment and my kitten, the two things that have made me feel good and safe and loved.

Urg, and I was doing so well, too! It's like when you're on a ladder and all you can see is the next rung in front of you and then you look DOWN and see how far up you are and suddenly get this rush of vertigo.

Thanks for letting me ramble.





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