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Re: my friends jumped me :( » Phillipa

Posted by kerria on November 10, 2006, at 8:35:03

In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by Phillipa on November 9, 2006, at 18:23:16

No Phillipa- thank you for writing- i know that you care about me.
i feel so so bad about how mean so many people were at that forum. It reminded me about being jumped as a kid - beat up by other kids that some were my friends. sometimes i'm so afraid to live.
i never know when something will happen- people i love always turn on me:( They hate me when i put sad faces like that- at the end of sentences- but that's how my life is- i have other parts but they're not real to me now.

At that site now there are people saying that i reminded of them of someone else - someone in their family that they hate- or whatever- and took it out on me-

i'm NOT that person. i never attacked anyone there EVER. Why do they now- say- it's ok- to "Be who you are" etc, and practically no one thinks about how much i am hurt by thier comments- they were so full of hate and it was directed towards me for no reason. i'm not their wicked stepmother or friend from their past. tears.

i'm so hurt- it was so triggering . i feel like i lost all the support i have.

i don't have a good relationship with a T- it's dissolving now- i see another mon.- trying to find someone to help me.

it hurts so much physically- i have nerve pain from a backpacking injury at the end of 2003- i had a fall and then terrible pain that never stopped.i need surgery in Jan- for the pain which may never get better and it's so hard. Parts inside think that they're abused everyday and i have to keep reminding myself it's not from abuse. it's from the injury. i hate switching and having my life so out of control and everything is a struggle that no one understands. People misunderstand everything i do and say.

i had somone in my family call me the most hurtful names yesterday- i feel so so bad. i can't get out of the depression i'm in.

Why is it always ok the people abuse me? Why am i like this- that people just hate me? i love my entire family so much./ i was so shocked that those things were said- i was also hit and things of mine and the house were damaged. i blame myself- i hate my parts- they don't act the way i want- it's so hard to be so separated and so disfunctional.

Just like when i was a little kid- i can't have anything because someone will destroy it in a fit of anger. tears. or hit me in a rage- or say negative things about the way i am that i hate also but can't change.

Then the disability lowest amount ever heard of- makes therapy so hard to afford- i hope my h never cancels me from his insurance- he doesn't agree with therapy- thinks i have demons- not DID.
won't pay for therapy mostly- never at all.

i hate how no one appreciates me or wants me . my life is so painful that it doesn't make sense to go on with being so in pain and feeling like such a jerk. someone who everyone wants to abuse- and put me in more pain than i already am.

i tried EVERYTHING to get better- paying my entire payck so many times for t that didn't work. now i keep looking for t to the disagreement and non support of my h and friends and family.

money is a bad problem because it makes t possible but the pain and self- hatred is worse- and the sx of not communicationg with parts that make me a failure in everything- i'm not succeeding with anything. It's too much struggle, i feel so hurt by the people at that forum who hurt me- ganged up on me for no reason. tears . i thought they were my friends.

It's so hard to share at online support groups- i always hate what i write and so so many others hate what i write too. Then they hurt me so much . i hate being like this and needing support. No one understands or can help and i always end up being so hurt. Then i have no one to go to at all.




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