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Re: I'm around Dinah

Posted by MidnightBlue on May 16, 2006, at 11:45:37

In reply to I'm around, posted by Dinah on May 16, 2006, at 10:14:40


My dear, sweet Dinah!

> I'm not really ok.

And I'm REALLY sorry about that. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you okay or give you a magic pill. But I will pray for you and think about you all day.

> I'm self injuring a bit, and isolating a lot.

It may hurt to come out into the sunlight, but it will help. It really will. The only thing good that happens in darkness is SLEEP!

> Our offer was accepted, and there are all the issues around that and things that need to be done. Work has had zero done on it since I was panicking last week. I just can't concentrate. I am hating myself.

New beginnings aren't easy! And they always aren't fun! But I do think this is the right choice for you and your family! New Orleans will never be what it was. It will always be your home and a place you love but it will always be different and there isn't anything you can do about that!

> I recognize, really recognize that my therapist hasn't been what I needed since Katrina, and that my son's school hasn't been what it used to be since Katrina, and that really nothing has been as it should be, and that likely none of it will be what it should be for a very long time. Yet when I found out the offer was accepted I cried all day despite megamedicine and a bit of rum.
> My therapist and I have been having some really deep and touching talks, where he's finally admitted and regretted what's happened and expressed his own pain at losing me as a client. Which may not be textbook but really was what I need. It's been beautiful really, except that the next session we seem to have the same conversation because he doesn't seem to have remembered.

EVERYONE in that area of the country is under stress and will continue to be for many years to come.

> And he's so focused on the move that he's missing my cries for help, no matter how direct and articulate, and I'm escalating into more action because of that. But you guys are the only ones I've told that to. So as a cry for help my physical acting out isn't very effective.

I hear you Dinah, I really do. I wish there was more I could do to help!

> I don't want to move, I don't necessarily want to stay. I'm failing badly at work, but can't bring myself to admit it. Maybe I'm hoping that I'll be fired, although that would be a disaster. Everything's crashing in my well constructed stable world.

But Dinah, God is in control. He really is! I know it doesn't look like it or feel like it, but he really IS!

> Yeah, I know I've never been stable, but I've compensated by creating an almost pathologically stable world around me. I've lived within five or six miles of where I live now, all my life since I was four. I've been with the same guy for over a quarter of a century. Had the same job for nearly 25 years. Lived in this house for fourteen years, since we married. And I've had the support of my therapist (until last September) for eleven years.
> Without that external stability my internal instability is taking over.
> Dinah isn't Dinah at all right now. I can't be supportive, and I'm boring myself with posting about the same things all the time. I'm even turning off instant messaging most of the time, for the same reason.
> I need a drink. I really need a drink.

You are NEVER boring, and always supportive even when you don't think you are! Have a nice cold glass of ice tea and enjoy the pretty weather you should be having today!






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