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intrapersonal stress

Posted by llrrrpp on May 16, 2006, at 11:01:52

I thought I was feeling less depressed lately, and I attributed it to AD treatment. Now I'm not so sure. I think the only reason I've been feeling better is because I've been avoiding my thesis advisor (she's been super-busy for the last 2 weeks)

Now she's not so busy, so she starts asking me about my work and my deadlines, and asking me to meet with such and such to do some networking in anticipation of getting a job next year. She's nice, and usually innocuous, but for whatever reason, I feel super edgy and pressured, and stressed out.

I think I might be on my way to another crisis. I don't know what to do. Even a casual conversation evokes these strong feelings of hopelessness (i'm never going to finish my PhD, I'm never going to get a job).

I have such conflicted feelings about my thesis advisor. On the one hand, she's my colleague and my collaborator. I need her participation to make my projects successful. On the other hand, I avoid her, because when she puts even the slightest bit of pressure on me, I feel super-anxious, and then I lapse into despair. So irrational.

When she neglects me, I grow resentful, and my self-confidence wanes. When she pays attention to me, I want to run away. When she says something hurtful, I get angry, but then I feel guilty, because she's universally admired for being a nice person. When she says something complimentary, I feel like I'm not worthy of her praise. When she asks me how my work is going, I want to cry.

I think we got along pretty well for years. I'm not sure what changed. I know I changed. Did she change too? Will our relationship be restored when I start working better and harder? Will I have more self-confidence if my studies are successful? I don't know how much of this is work-related, and how much of this is depression-related. So confused.




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