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Re: conflicted feelings about csa ***trigger*** Daisym

Posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 18:38:37

In reply to Re: conflicted feelings about csa ***trigger*** Larry Hoover, posted by Daisym on May 12, 2006, at 11:41:54

> I keep bumping up against how the csa effected my choices in life, when I would have sworn on a stack of bibles three years ago that I was totally OK inspite of it. I just didn't let it touch me. Wow, is that not true.

I am kinda going through the same thing (different abuse though) I have admitted it to myself that I was abused and that in it's self was cathartic for me because I needed to pretend it didn't growning up in order to survive emotioanlly. Well now I am also bumping into the effects my childhood had on me as an adult and the choices I have made. I am really angry about this because I also thought I was now okay. But you know what, I AM NOT OKAY. I still need help with the current issues.

> So when I tell the stories, they remind me that this will be with me always. I have to figure out how to have a relationship with it, as my therapist says.

My T says the same thing, that you will never forget, it is a part of who you are, but you can become strong because of it too. Silver lining theory I guess.

I think the shame and self-doubt are deeply embedded in my core. We've spent a ton of time ripping down the defenses to get to this core and now we are actually dismantling the core.

Wow, daisy, I feel like we are twin in therapy lately. I think I am now starting to work on the core. Scarey as heck, because I am not comforable talking about such personal primal stuff. But my T says that is what he is there for. I am now ready I think because I am safe with him. I came close to crying today for the first time in therapy, so we must be getting to the inner core of myself.
> I don't know if this answers your question. It occurs to me often that I should just stop telling the stories if they are so disruptive. But honestly, I can't.

Please don't stop Daisy, you have helped me so much today, words can't tell you how much it means to me that I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel like my flood gates are opening up too, and it scares the heck out of me.




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