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appointment was today, feeling better (long)

Posted by happyflower on May 15, 2006, at 16:38:01

We talked a good 30 minutes on our relationship and my phone call where I apolized for being somewhat aggressive torwards him.

Well he went on to say he didn't think that I as aggressive, he thought it was good that I was setting up my own personal boundries just like he does in therapy.

Well I said well what about when I told you that you sucked after you told me to stop talking to you. Well he thought we were both joking with each other. We do sometimes do that kind of bantering with each other. Well I said I didn't think it was funny, in fact I should of said "f*ck you" instead. Well I guess he didn't realize that I took his comment to heart as I did. I thought since he knows how I feel, I thought it was insensive to joke around about it. Well he knows now.

I asked him why he thinks he is so special that i have to treat him diffently than anyone else that I see at the gym. It is like he is on a pedistal looking down at me, too good for me, nose in the air, that I can't talk to him. Well I said it in a way, then I said , well how do you like me now!(you should of seen the look on his face) LOL He said I sounded aggresive, I said no, I am saying the truth. LOL

We talked about if I needed less interaction with him outside of therapy or more, which would make me feel better. We talked about do I really want less disclosure from him in my sessions, or will that make me feel worse now, that I already know a lot about him. He said he uses a lot of self disclosure in therapy, it is his style, not with everyone, he does this, but he said he can honor my boundries about this if that is what I want. I said it isn't what I want, it is what I need.
He asked me what makes him so special compaired to everyone else. I told him all kinds of things, and he interupted me and said there are a lot of people with his same qualities. But we do something together that we don't do with anyone else, therapy, and I have opened up to him and been myself with him, so I do feel good about him because of this because I don't do this with anyone else.

I said that is party true, but I do think he is different than anyone I have ever met, and I really like him for who he really is. He said that I do know the real him, he is pretty ethinic with me, and we have worked a long time together so he does feel I know him . I told him that he intrigues me and I can't help it to want to know more about him. But then he said if you did, wouldn't it make it even more frusterating for you? Well that is the situation right there . I want to know more, but it hurt too much, because I can't have that relationship outside of his office like that.
I told him about the protesting I wanted to do about it, and I wanted to stomp my feet and throw a tantrum because I don't like it at all. He kinda of had a funny look on his face then. I think he is getting it more now, and realizing how I am really feeling about him and how frusterated I was about it.
Well I do feel I went in circles about what I want and what I need. I think it was a good talk. I am still fruterated though about the relationship on what it can't be.

We went to talk about running, we only had about 15 minutes left, but I said I didn't really want to talk about that. I brought in my book were a few paragraphs discribed me and my adult relationships so well. He sort of made fun of the book, and I got him on being a professional snob. LOL Well he said it isn't very clinical, and I said well why would I want to read something clinical. LOL
Well it was about how I get scared in new relationships and I almost sabotoge them before that person hurt me first. It talked about not ever feeling loved in my childhood, and that is why I am resentful, critical, and on a short fuse sometimes because I don't trust love.
Well you know we started to talk about self esteem and how I am not very confident. I was almost in tears, the closest I have ever come. I think he held back a little because we were getting short on time and another client was already waiting. But yeah, well it feels like now that we got a lot of our relationship issues out of the way, the real therapy is starting now.

I told him that if feels like I never talk about all the stuff that I need to and in two weeks, that stuff gets piled on top of the new stuff. He said this summer we can go weekly, but there is the issue of cost. But thinking about it now, I think I am in a very critical part of my therapy. I know I am functioning a lot better than before, but now I need to get out all the nasties about myself and try to become a happier person. I feel it is time, I do trust him completely, and I feel he can help me, but it is going to be hard.
He didn't even get around to asking me about what the college concelor said. LOL I am starting college tomorrow, psch 103 and he has no idea that I am even starting. LOL

Well thanks for reading my long essay, maybe I should of taken comp class instead, since i am so long winded.
I guess this is all good stuff, but I am still feeling sad about the relationship, but I know where he stands completely on it. I don't think he will change his mind either. He is doing what is best for me but it still hurts. :-(




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