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Re: by the way... Estella

Posted by henrietta on May 14, 2006, at 8:58:50

In reply to Re: by the way..., posted by Estella on May 14, 2006, at 8:32:14

Yes, I understand about provoking in others the reaction you feel you provoked in, say, your mother. I don't quite understand why. Why does it feel necessary to constantly reaffirm one's mother's negative assessment? In some mysterious way is it protecting the mother? She must have been right, she must not have been a bad mother, it must have been all my fault. In what way is that safer? Well, I guess in childhood it would feel safer to accept fault than to recognize that the one person you're entirely dependent upon is F**d-up. And in some way it must seem to a child that the world makes more sense if he/she deserves the abuse. Which could feel safer. But now you are an adult, and can learn to let go of that thin thread, that weak life-line, that lie.
You did not deserve it. Your safety no longer depends upon preserving the fiction of your mother's competence or sanity. You don't need to prove mama right about you.

And then there's the rage. Because another part of you DOES recognize the injustice, the abuse. And because you hurt so much. Another part of you does know you don't deserve to hurt this much, and you didn't deserve to hurt so much as a child. Rage is NORMAL. A stage in the process. Probably a necessary stage. But I think one can move beyond it, mitigate it.

But I know you've done a lot of reading and thinking and you know all this and more.... I'm just babbling.

For some reason I never go to the writing board. I should.

Now my wrist is killing me and I need to stop. (Incipient carpal tunnel, I diagnose.)

Love, hen




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