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Re: Feeling lower than dirt

Posted by Daisym on May 12, 2006, at 11:58:14

In reply to Feeling lower than dirt, posted by LadyBug on May 12, 2006, at 8:00:35

I feel your hurt and sadness. You write beautifully.

I think I wrote your post two years ago, a year ago and 3 months ago. Leaving a marriage IS a process and so very hard. Therapy can't replace the life you have to live but there are so many times when I ask if I can hide under his desk for the rest of the day. Or can I please have the keys to the office for the weekend. He doesn't even have to be there, I just need my safe place. He tells me to take him with me and I think you can do that too -- just imagine your therapist holding you close in her heart and giving you strength to begin to make decisions.

Sometimes you have to leave a marriage while staying in the house. You begin to stand up for yourself a little at a time. You model for your girls what is and isn't acceptable. You are hiding your pain from your friends, but would you want your girls to do that? It has been among the hardest lessons of therapy for me learn to lean (a little) on friends. I started here and now have a few IRL people I can call and go to. I still want my therapist the most, and he knows that, but it has helped to reach out. One of my big fears was that by learning to self-soothe, by reaching out to friends and by standing up for myself, I had to give up my therapist. So far this isn't true. He is still shoring up the background so I can do these things.

You will figure out what comes next. But for now, pick one thing that you want to have control over. Those thoughts of checking out are scary. They are the symptom of how desperate you are to escape, in any fashion, the hopelessness. You have to make a plan to save yourself, just like you made a plan to end it all. A while back I gave my therapist a thick piece of rope, you know, like a dog toy? I was planning on using these pieces of rope in a presentation for Directors, about being at the end of your rope and how to cope with problem employees. I was telling him about the activity and he surprised me by wanting to keep "my" piece -- the end of MY rope. He said because then I had to go through him before I could reach the end of my rope and he would pull me back. Who can you give your rope to this weekend? It helps to think about that.

I'm not around a lot this weekend but I'll check in on you. Take good care. It will get better.




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