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I Feel So Far Behind

Posted by DisposableDoll on May 12, 2006, at 4:01:37

*sighs* I just wanted someone to talk to. It's cold here.......but that's not really what I want to talk about. I'm sad. I believe I love him and part of me can't believe he doesn't feel the same way, but I am running out of the words to sway him. I don't know how to fix things. I am on pins and needles. It's so hard to wait to see what the future holds, especially when you're afraid it may not be good, but I don't want to give up hoping that things could get better.

That is part of what I wanted to say. I also wanted to say that it bothers me sometimes to see that other people my age and younger are already married and have children and they're graduating college and are paying off their homes, etc. Here I am between 23 and 24 and I am not married or even engaged. I never have been. The person I have loved more than anyone in my life doesn't want to be my boyfriend right now. What if he never does again? That is sad and disheartening. I want to share my life with him and for him to share his with me. I want to have his love and give him mine. I thought we'd get married and maybe have our own kids, or maybe adopt. Now, I just wonder if we'll even live together as commited lovers. Also, I have no children, I'm not pregnant, I am not in a good position to habve a child right now, and the person I want to have them with the most doesn't want children of his own (though I really think having our bio babies together would be awesome and I want to, I'd be happy to adopt with him and I'd be happy to just have him and not even have the kids) and even if he did want kids of his own, he prob. wouldn't want to have them right now with me, if ever with me. If I have kids with anyone else it could make it even harder for me to get back with my last boyfriend and I want to be back with him. I am just lonley, so I want a kid to ease that, and maybe it would help some, but it would just make other things worse and although I am lonley in general, I am more lonley for my last boyfriend and that's a diff. kind of loneliness and person specific. Anyways, so to sum that part up, I'm not married or engaged and the person I was with for a long time and that I have loved more than I have ever loved anyone else, is not currently with me. I have no children, I am not pregnant, and it doesn't seem to be gonna happen anytime soon and if it does it may just make things worse, rather than better. I have screwed up in school SO many times that I don't even know if I can get financial aid again and I may have to take out loans which take forever and a day to pay back. I think I am just a sophmore right now. I still don't know what I want to do career wise. I can't get motivated. It's as though I care, but apaprently not enough. I just don't feel driven and now with all of these negative emotions coming in and with thinking that the one thing I wanted more than anything is escaping me, I feel even less like trying in a way, though part of me says trying may help the situation. The only job I've ever had in my life was work study for school. I am jobless and currently have dropped out of college, yet AGAIN. I don't know if my GPA is good enough to switch colleges or go to the colleges I'd like to go to, not because I'm not capable, but because I don't try or I do something stupid and mess myself up. I still live at home. I have about $30,000 in medical bills and I am too stupid to have tried to have this taken care of. AGH! Oh, and I'm not in the best shape and despite being fairly young, I'm told, and childless, I have saggy cow breasts. Not only that but I hate these enlarged pores on my face. I just want to burn my face off and have my chest cut up, but if I do that, what if I can't feel my breasts anymore? Part of me asks why my looks even matter anymore if I can only attract people that I don't care about and people that don't care about me. *sighs*

Then I see these other people who are all in love and their mates are in love with them and they have been with their mates about the same amount of time or even less than I was with my last boyfriend, and they are married or getting married, and they have kids or are pregnant, and they have degrees or are close to getting them, and they have jobs- sometimes good jobs, and they don't have big huge piled up bills, and they own their own cars and homes (trailors at least), or they are renting their own places to live or picking out a home or something, and they have firm perky breasts and smooth skin and I just hate myself sometimes. I know I'm still young, supposedly, but I'm approaching my mid-20's and I'm not getting any younger. I also know that a lot of people are much older when they marry, but I want the man I love to love me back and be with me. Also, I'm just saying around here many people my age and younger have all this stuff and it just hurts to see them have it or even to see people in their 80's have it when I am worried I may never have my lover back. I know people that have it worse. I do. A LOT worse. But it's just that I want him back. I could deal without the rest. I could. Sometimes I think I could take dieing if we just had what we had back. That's all I want and I'm willing to make personal sacrifices for it. Weddings make me so sad now. Couples make me depressed. *Sighs*





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poster:DisposableDoll thread:642907