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Re: Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves madeline

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 12:47:58

In reply to Re: Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves orchid, posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 7:18:49

> I think it is so hard to forgive ourselves because somehow, deep down, we don't really feel as though we deserve to be forgiven. I do it too.
>
> Look at how readily we dispense forgiveness and understanding to others from everything to abuse to drinking all of the milk. Yet we can't manage to give ourselves the same pardon for the simplest of things.


----Orchid
True Madeline. I find it so easy to forgive others. And just so hard to forgive myself. Actually I think it might have to do with my csa. People who go through csa tend to set unusually high expectations of themselves - I have read - as an atonement for having given in to abuse or the secret fear and guilt of having even encouraged it. I think it is a matter of trying to find your own self worth or perhaps trying to make amends to that basic guilt which lingers on.

>
> Please understand that I think the relationship and "transference" that occurs between a patient and a therapist is necessary for the therapy to continue. I do not view these feelings as something that requires forgiveness.
>
> However, I absolutely understand how other people could see it that way.
>
> I do not know the specifics of your previous therapy, but I do know that as human beings we are hardwired to respond to kindness, patience and regard from another person. You probably just responded the way you were designed to respond. No more, no less than that.
>
> If you were hungry, then you would eat. If you were tired, you would rest. If you were thirsty, you would drink.
>
> You were just being human, Orchid. Yet it seems to me that you want to be superhuman in some way.
>
> That's a lofty goal. I commend you for wanting to reach it, but you deserve to be forgiven for falling short on occasion. We all do.
>
> Maddie

-----ORchid

Thanks for your thoughts Madeline. What you have said is true, and I do understand it most of the times, but yet I times I feel so bad about it. I think part of it has to do with how my T handled it - he ended up terminating me in one email - without much clue or warning before or any termination steps, and never replied back after that. He just sent one email terminating me, and that was it. That was after nearly 3 years of therapy. So it kind of hit me hard, and I ended up feeling like a slut. And pretty much that was the message I got from his final email also - he wasn't warm or even empathetic - in fact was pretty cold and inconsiderate. So all in all, I have had a very rough time accepting my own feelings after that. I think I still haven't come to terms with it fully though I have tried and done my best to move on.

Thanks again.


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poster:orchid thread:642312
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