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Re: she didnt call.. im falling apart bent

Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 20:07:41

In reply to Re: she didnt call.. im falling apart wishingstar, posted by bent on May 10, 2006, at 19:56:08

I wouldnt even know what to say to her now if she did call... I have nothing to say. I'm so hurt and so angry, I just wouldnt have anything to say.

Because of the anger piece, a big part of me doesnt want to talk to her. At all really. All I've been asking her for over the past month or so has been to listen to me.. not to fix anything, nothing.. just listen and be there with me.. and I just dont feel like she is. I'm sure I play a role in that too, but still. I'm really angry. Therapy is supposed to be about me and what I need and what I believe, not what she believes or wants me to believe. A big part of me is afraid then when I do finally talk to her again, she's just going to start talking about transfernce again.. and I just cant take that. I may be hypersensitive to these things because of my past, but this is about HER right now. Not my mother or anyone else.

I'm considering calling tomorrow and cancelling my session on Monday. I told her it'd be my last in the message, so I guess I'd ask to rescheudle for the week after and have that be the last, if I stick with that plan. I just dont think therapy is worth the emotional disaster its creating.

Back a year or so ago when I was seeing her the first time, she told me I could call her if I needed to.. even gave me her home number once when I was feeling suicidal. Now, she hasnt ever even mentioned that I can call, and if I mention feeling suicidal (which I do often), I feel like it's pretty much ignored. I just want to scream. I'm trying SO hard to be real with her and she's not making it easy. I think I need her, but I need her for something she cant/isnt willing to give me.

I guess I am overreacting. I know I am. I'm building it up in my mind, and yeah.. I guess that's related to my family and my past. But it doesnt make it hurt any less.




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