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she didnt call.. im falling apart

Posted by wishingstar on May 10, 2006, at 18:12:20

In reply to T wont stop talking!, posted by wishingstar on May 8, 2006, at 22:51:40

she didnt call.

It's only 7pm here (i left the message around 4 yesterday) so I guess it's still possible.. but I'm pretty sure that she would have by now, if she was going to.

I cant even tell you all how bad I'm hurting. I cant stop crying. I've probably cried more in the last 2-3 days than in the last year (I'm not a crier, at all). Even writing this is brining the tears up again. It hit me an hour or so ago that shes PAID to talk to me. That doesnt mean she cares. Of course it'll feel like she does.. she listens, responds, etc.. but listening does not equal caring, especially when shes paid. This is her job. Just like someone works at a bank or a store or a restaurant. I forget that this isnt a real relationship. It's just a service I've purchased and that's as far as it goes.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm carrying around a sign that says "please dont call me, no matter what". I called my old therapist on Thurs to ask her about seeing her over the summer (as I'll be out of town) and we missed each other when she called back on Friday. She told me to leave a message with when I was available on Monday and she'd call me back. She said she'd be happy to see me and was happy to hear from me and all that. Well, here it is Wed night.. she never called either. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me that I put this kind of emotional energy into this, when.. I dont know. It's not what I like to think it is, I guess.

I guess it's mostly my fault that my current T never called back.. In the message, I did say that she didnt have to (I think I even said it twice). I guess I was hoping she would anyway.. that she'd know how badly I was hurting (because I said I was) and care enough to call. I know.. a lesson in asking for what I need I guess. But just telling her I was unhappy with her was incredibly big for me (and she knows that, I'm sure). Oh well.. no excuses I guess.

I really dont know what to do. I cant think of anything that would help me stop crying and stop feeling so bad right now.. even some of the self destructive things I sometimes use dont in the past dont sound very appealing (which is a good thing, I know.. but it leaves me feeling even more lost). I told a friend all about this last night and he listened, but he doesnt understand where I'm coming from. I havent written any of this down yet, except here, but I'm going to journal some tonight. I went to the bookstore to try to take my mind off things, but no luck really.

I just dont understand. I'm sorry for rambling.. I guess I just need to get it out. I want to call and leave her another message, but I wouldnt even know what to say. Maybe I'm wrong and she'll call later tonight. Doubt it. I'm sorry guys.




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