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Re: Addressing suicide B2chica

Posted by CEK on May 9, 2006, at 12:24:53

In reply to Re: Addressing suicide CEK, posted by B2chica on May 9, 2006, at 9:27:33

I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist both and they both know how I feel. That's why even though my pdoc doesn't like benzos he put me on Klonopin. He said that I've suffered long enough and needed something for some more immediate relief. I've dealt with the depression for six years seeing a GP being given Effexor (which I was on for 6years off and on) paxil, lexapro, celexa, wellbutrin, zoloft and prozac. I had my breakdown in Jan. this year and since then started seeing a pdoc and therapist. I was hospitalized on Jan31-Feb6 and once again on April 29-May 5 for my suicidal thoughts. My pdoc wants to stay away from the AD's.(they didn't help anyway) I've been diagnosed with bipolar 2 with mixed states and rapid cycling with GAD. I also fit the description of Borderline Personality to a T. I had horrible side effects from Seroquel and Abilify so he said we need to stear clear of the antipsycotics. Had a bad reaction to Lithium also so that's out. My pdoc wants to concentrate on the mood stablizers. He put me on only Klonopin for a week and a half to give me relief and let my body clear itself of all the other meds that I've tried that caused bad side effects. He wanted me to start with a clean slate when we started the mood stablizers so we would know if the side effects I might have from the new medicine were indeed from the new med and not from the old. We started this and the Klonopin on the 20th. On the 29th I called him and told him I think I needed to go back into the hospital and told him how I was feeling. He set it up and I went in. No help. That post is on psycho-babble under "Hospitalized and feel worse!" After 3 days in the mental hospital without the Klonopin (they were totally anti-Klonopin) they started me on 1000mg of Depakote. So far, no good. I know it takes a while, but we all don't have "a while" when each minute feels like an eternity. I'll see my pdoc tomorrow morning and we'll go from there. The problem with being their mommy whether sick or not is that I'm not being a good mommy. I'm not there for them. All I want to do is sleep. When I'm not asleep I stay in my own world with my ipod on looking on the net for some more info on my sickness. Psycho-babble has become my addiction right now and I check my email every couple hours to see if anything new has come up. The music somehow comforts me. As for the rest of the world, family included, I want to be left alone. I have 3 children and a 14 year old stepdaughter. My youngest is a 3 year old boy, then there's my 6 year old boy, and then my 11 year old girl. Before I got bad sick, I use to cry at work and feel bad all the time for not being home with them. Not being able to do more for them because I was so tired from work. I wanted to be the "soccer mom" and drive them to and from school and make them cookies and take them to the park and play with them. They were my world. Since January, my world seems to be gone. I don't feel any love inside me for anyone and that kills me. That is at the heart of my guilt and thoughts of suicide. I'm not loving or compassionate anymore. Just ill and irritable. Crabby and snappy. I hate thinking that they might think that I don't love them and this is causing them to become dysfuncional in the future. I always wanted to help them to become the best person they could be. All of them are VERY talented. But as for the last 4 months they've just been holding their own. My husband loves them, but not like a mommy does. He's been so ill and stressed about me and our bills that he's even lashing out at them. Once again, I feel this is my fault. Thank you for all of your posts. CEK




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