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x-plicit...sick thoughts *may trigger*

Posted by Karolina on May 1, 2006, at 2:13:03

First I want to make an apology: I got upset when it seemed like not many or no one at all, would respond to my questions and posts. But then I realized well I have respond to other people's too, it can't just be all about me. I have had to go back up to NYC twice and that's not an easy trip coming from Georgia exactly, even though I was able to fly up there and back. But I've still been busy with the mess of trying to move my stuff back home and signing all these stupid forms to release me from my internship. I guess I've been so busy that I just seem to post on here when I can, but I promise I'll try to better and more responsive to everyone else very soon.

Anyway, I have been experiencing such sick, twisted confusing thoughts's hard for me to even want to type this out. As I've explained, I am very much attracted to my T and he always seems to have the lead role when it comes to fantasizing. But with that comes some guilt, because a) he's married and b) he's only a year younger than my dad. I really seem to struggle with sexual impulses and desires. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and how provocative I look, all the makeup, etc and I think 'I am such a whore'. I really struggle with body image issues too, being Bulimic and everything.

I was never abused physically, emotionally or sexually growing up except for once, if it even counts as abuse. When I was 9 and playing truth or dare with my best friend, my brother and his best friend. The details are sort of blurry but all I know is that his friend came into my bedroom and took turns making out/trying to fondle my best friend and me. He was 13 at the time. It left me feeling really weird and guilty. And it seemed like after that I took a huge interest in boys and sex.

It didn't help that my parents have always been very liberal with things, not seeming to care about censorship. I was allowed to see R-rated movies at a very young age and sex has always seem to be a casual subject in our household. Not in a perverted way, but in the way that I don't feel uncomfortable when sexual jokes are told, there's dirty gossip about people hooking up, etc. But my parents are also verrry affectionate towards one another, not in public really but at home they seem to act pretty lovey-dovey. Which ironically makes me feel very uncomfortable.

I've walked by a few times and seen my dad looking at porn and it made me feel this way. Or recently I saw them hugging in my kitchen when he had gotten home from work, and he had his hands on her a$$ as they were hugging. And they KNEW I was just in the other room. Or one night I was talking to my mom when I was upset downstairs in their bedroom. My dad was already half-asleep, in the bed in his just his underwear. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and she was telling me something and he had leaned over and kissed her arm spontaneously, half asleep. I don't know why, but that made me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable. Or does it make sense? I'm beginning to think that it wasn't even healthy for me to be in there when they were already in bed together.

They don't know about how their PDA around the house bothers me so much. Tying this subject into the subject of my T - he's a parent and sometimes I imagine what it would be like if he were my dad instead. Or I imagine if his daughter and he get along and talk like my dad and I do. Yet at the same time I still have such intense sexual feelings for my T. Well...recently while fantasizing about my T my thoughts seem to get interrupted and instead I picture my dad acting that way towards my mom and somehow it arouses me. I know that sounds sooo freaking sick. And before I knew my T I never thought that way about my parents.

So I'm wondering if all of my thoughts are extremely tangled, made up of: being over-sexual and desensitized to sexual things, being disturbed by my parents' behavior in front of me, and going back and forth about trying to see my T as a lover and a parent. I feel so sick about this. Can anyone see what the problem might be? When fantasizing I dont even want to react like that or think of that stuff w/ my parents, it's like it just pops into my head randomly. Is this all my fault somehow? I know it's something I could talk about in therapy, but I wouldn't even know how to begin. I don't understand any of this, sorry if it sounds totally disturbing I just need some insight on this. It makes me feel so sick that I feel like hurting myself over it. I don't know what to do. I cant forgive myself for the sick thoughts.





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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Karolina thread:638667