Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Follow Up

Posted by Daisym on March 10, 2006, at 0:29:26

In reply to Re: A letter to my therapist Daisym, posted by LadyBug on March 8, 2006, at 20:46:01

Thank you all for the support and the push to give the letter to my therapist. I did...and he said he was glad I could tell him how I felt. He said he wanted me to be honest and he encouraged me to really tell him how upset I've been feeling, even if it scared me. We did talk about how scary it is to be mad at him, I'm convinced that he is going to get sick of this and send me away.

Today we talked about what I expect when I'm mad at him. I keep waiting for him to get mad at me back...and I have this vision of him using what he knows about me to hurt me. He said he has been known to yell, but pretty much only at his kids. He grinned when I said I felt like one of those some times.

We also talked about the group starting next week. He asked me if I had any feelings about working with a female therapist -- was I looking forward to getting a different perspective or new ideas? I actually hadn't spent much time thinking about what a new therapist might mean, I was more focused on the group itself. I have said, in the past, that I don't want anyone criticizing how I'm doing therapy or how often I see him, etc. I asked him how he was feeling about it and he said he had just a little bit of anxiety about it as well, for similiar reasons. He sort of laughed at himself and said there is always a small amount of therapist/therapist competition, but mostly he was glad to have someone else on our team that might help me. I promised not to like her better. He laughed.

One of the nicest things we talked about today was the meaning of his talisman for me. On and off for the past two years I've had it to help me hang on to him between sessions. Today I tried to explain to him that I wanted it for two reasons. The first is that somehow I think that if for some reason he decides he is done, he has to see me at least one more time to get it back. The other is that if, God Forbid, he never comes back, I have a piece of him forever. Now we could all poke holes in these reasons easily enough. But to the youngest part of me they make perfect sense. I started to cry when I explained to him that the most powerful reason it meant so much to me was because the first time he gave it to me was the first time anyone had ever recognized my fear of abandonment, had really understood its depth, and had ever tried to soothe this huge fear. The first time he gave it to me he had put his picture in it, just before he left for a vacation. I've loved it ever since. I did say that I knew these were all pretty silly reasons and if he wanted me to give it back, I would. He said that all made perfect sense to him and it didn't sound immature or silly. He reminded me that the most critical piece of my therapy was for me to learn to ask for what I needed and wanted, just because it was good for me. And I was doing that around his talisman, so he felt that was a really good thing. And he said he did know how hard it was for me to ask, because the adult gatekeeper was mortified to have these needs. So I got a star for asking.

It was a pretty good end to another hard week. But it is still so painful tonight to have all these intense fears and needs and wants. I guess I just can't be satisfied, can I?




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

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