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Re: Is this supposed to work? Daisym

Posted by All Done on March 8, 2006, at 17:20:45

In reply to Re: Is this supposed to work? All Done, posted by Daisym on March 7, 2006, at 0:44:55

> Yes, I think it is supposed to work. It is just slow going and change is hard. Trust is hard. Opening ourselves up to being loved is really, really hard. It means we have to learn that we can honestly love, without any hurtful motivations, because by feeling this ourselves, we begin to trust that another could feel it for us, too. And the fact that loves just grows, and feels good, is somewhat shocking, isn't it?
> It hurts to love someone with so many restrictions. I know this too well. But if I stop fighting it for a little while and just let it be, it actually helps me to believe that there is more love like this to be found. Because it is me being able to love like this that is so amazing.
> I've been trying to come up with an analogy (aren't I always) and right now the best I can do is to use flowers. Therapy love is like a hot house flower. It needs a specific environment to blossom and a lot of sensitive care. And it is rare and beautiful and meant to be enjoyed simply because it has bloomed. And for a while it can out shine other, more ordinary flowers, around it.
> But there are other flowers in the world. Flowers that look better in bouquets with other flowers. Flowers that have a purpose, beyond beauty. They smell good, or make us feel better, or are made to eat. Whatever. They aren't nearly as rare, nor are they as fragile. But we still enjoy these flowers and in fact, often prefer the heartier varieties. Because they last longer and aren't such high maintence. And if we plant the right seeds, these flowers, this kind of love, blooms over and over again. Like the love you have for your husband.
> It *is* possible to nurture and enjoy that hot house flower, even as you return to your own house and enjoy your own garden each day.
> And btw, I don't believe that naming the flower makes it anymore fragile.
> I know you are hurting and that ache feels like it just can't ever be soothed, that need can't ever be met. It is grief in its purest form, unrequited love. But put aside your guilt and let your husband hold you. He can help make you feel safe and cared for. You might be able to take in his love just a tiny bit better, and then a tiny bit better than that. Slowly, if you are lucky, the love you feel for your therapist will make you strong enough to allow yourself to be totally loved by your husband. Accepting someone else's love is so much harder than offering our own. This is a worthy goal. I think you, and your therapist, are up to it.
> Hang in there.

Your analogy is fantastic, Daisy. I know you understand the pain Im feeling, but...

no matter how much Im okay with loving him and how much I can enjoy it, I just dont see how it can convince me that *Im* the loveable one. I already know and knew I have the capacity to love. I learned that a thousand times over the day I had my son. The problem is, I just dont know why someone would choose to love me. And now, theres this environment where my T knows so much about me, the real me, and he cant make that choice. The one I want so desperately to believe he would make, if he could.

Sorry, I think Im not making much sense. :(

Sometimes I wonder (aloud, of course) if my T "gets" it. I suppose I might really be wondering if I get it. It's all so confusing to me. It can be amazing to watch sometimes, but I hate feeling like the lab rat in my big experiment.

You hang in there, too (((Daisy))). Thanks for everything.





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