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Re: When there's no place to focus upset Racer

Posted by ClearSkies on March 7, 2006, at 13:51:36

In reply to When there's no place to focus upset, posted by Racer on March 7, 2006, at 13:20:37

>With my mother, I know I'm angry with things she did, but as soon as I admit that, I start into the whole "but she was so young/she didn't know any better/she had too much to deal with/the same sort of thing was done to her/etc."

When it comes to how I feel about my mom and what she's done, or didn't do, I have quickly followed up my comments about my anger with the explanations of why she acted the way she did.
It has the effect of diffusing my anger and making it impotent. When I look at those "reasons" closer, though, they don't stand up to much scrutiny.
the sequence for me has been:

I get angry at how my mom acted.
I spring to her defense for her actions.
My anger loses its validity.
I am still upsert and now feel guilty for having those feelings since mom was <so young> <so misinformed> <so isolated> <repeating what was done to her>.

When I look closely at those explanations I quickly offer up for my mom's defense, they don't really hold water. She wasn't that young, really. She had all the information she needed if she had asked for it. She actually isolated herself out of choice. She had the ability to *not* repeat what had happened to her. All my defenses eventually crumbled under my own scrutiny. What I am left with was my anger, which I can express in all its validity. I can protect myself from being further hurt by her.
This is the process that I've gone through and it has helped me resolve my feelings towards my mom.





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poster:ClearSkies thread:617049