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Medicated or non-medicated, *Trigger*

Posted by Dinah on March 6, 2006, at 22:53:18

Medicated, I'm numbish with a strong undercurrent of rage. I snap at anything that moves, but I get at least some of my work done. My attachment to my therapist is far less, and I can picture moving to somewhere he's not.

Unmedicated, I just hurt. I sit and rock for hours instead of working.

I was so bad yesterday at therapy. I mildly self injured throughout the session, increasing in intensity. He either didn't notice or didn't want to bring it up. I called him after, furious, and threatened to up the ante to more serious SI next session. Then I called him crying and told him that I was trying to tell him something and I was upset that he didn't understand what I was trying to say. Which was unfair, because *I* don't know what I was trying to say.

I truly hate it when he's angry with me. Yet somehow I want him to be angry. I want him to be as angry as I am. But maybe not at me.

I don't know why though.

It wasn't the seating arrangements. We discussed that and all I remember thinking was that it wasn't what I needed to talk about. We talked about my suicidal urges, but all I remember thinking was that we were wasting time on the standard CYA questions and weren't talking about what I needed to talk about. But I have no earthly idea what it was that I needed to talk about.

It might be the move, which is stupid because I don't even know if we have to move and won't know for six weeks, and I shouldn't worry till then.

I sobbed something to him about being upset that I couldn't see him twice a week. Maybe that's it. Or at least maybe that's part of it, because it burst out of my mouth without thinking.

But none of those things seem quite right.

It has been so long since I didn't know why I did the things I do. Since I got in touch with my emotional side, I've been pretty good at figuring out what I'm feeling and why. But now I'm back to where I was.

I have no idea why I'm doing the things I'm doing.

Is there some whole layer of unconscious or subconscious that I haven't tapped? Am I hiding from myself what's wrong? Why am I so sure that I am trying to convey something, sure enough that it bursts out of my mouth without thinking. Yet equally sure that I have no idea what that something is.

How can I regress so badly? How can I threaten self injury like that? How can I be the sort of person I really don't want to be?

Maybe numb is better. I can't seem to medicate the anger away, but maybe numb on the surface is still better.

I talked to him very briefly last night. He said he isn't angry and he doesn't sound angry. he sounds sad. And he's in town tomorrow and I'm seeing him.

I don't want to behave badly. But I'm afraid I will. And I won't even know why.

I sound so calm. I just astonish myself at how calm I can sound. I guess it's a reflex.




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