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Re: I like EE's advice (poss trigger)

Posted by Daisym on March 3, 2006, at 23:59:16

In reply to I like EE's advice (poss trigger), posted by Racer on March 3, 2006, at 14:57:19

> I'm with Emily Elizabeth -- go to a few group sessions and then decide. You're not making a choice that will stay with you for life. You're choosing whether or not to give this a try. Just like with a new AD, if there are adverse effects, you can stop the treatment.

If I have as much trouble adjusting to the group as I did to the AD I'm in big trouble. And if I'm as stubborn as I was about quitting it, I'm in really big trouble.

> Deep breath, now is it frightening to you to think that maybe you're doing something good for yourself? Is it frightening that maybe you're taking care of yourself quite actively, rather than doing the minimum required to allow you to make everyone else happy? (This is something that's coming up for me, so consider it pure projection...)

I don't think it is about taking care of myself, but I admit that I'm wondering how I'll work it into my hectic schedule. And tell my husband that I have yet another therapy related activity that takes me away from home. I'm going to inconvenience someone if I try to do this.

> When I was a kid, my mother told me that I could never tell anyone, because it would be too embarrassing for her. That stayed with me, and even know I do feel a little disloyalty every time I say, "Yes, I was sexually abused as a child." I'm a bit farther than you are in this, only because it's been so many, many years since I first said that out loud. But even now, there's a bit of me saying "Mommy would be embarrassed that I'm telling." But you know what? Another part of me says, "you won't heal until you can *feel* that it was something *done to* you, not something you caused to happen." And, if that's true, part of what that involves is recognizing my mother's own complicity in it, through her instruction to keep it a secret. Does that make any sense?

Yes. Total sense. I feel like the whole world knows but in reality only a handful of people do. Babble is the only place besides therapy that I share this; a few of my friends know because when I was suicidal I needed them to keep me safe and I needed them to know it wasn't about something they could help with. But wrapped up in the "don't tell" issue is the idea that I'll lose my therapist for telling. This is probably as pure a transference as I've had, I can see it, and yet I'm still terrified that it is true. It doesn't completely make sense to me yet.

And...I think it is very sad that I can think about telling strangers and I can't even begin to imagine telling my own family. How strong is that need to protect everyone from the truth? And to protect how they think of me.

> So, my naughty little girl friend, learning that you can "tell on" him, and survive telling, may be part of your recovery process, too. Maybe you can learn to think of this as part of healing?

I said this to my therapist on the phone today, "what if they don't like me? What if I survive telling and turn into someone the world has no use for?" it is scary to think that healing means changing and to risk having people like you instead of MAKING them like you by all the things you can do for them.
> Got another one for you, too, on accounta my brain hurts today and it's making weird things come up: is it shameful to be A Cancer Survivor? Chew on that for a bit...
> (It just came up -- that was free association. I'm gonna chew on it, too.)

I know people who are ashamed to still need their support group after they are "cured" of cancer. They all point to people who have moved on with life and aren't still worried all the time about a relapse. And I know people who don't want other people to know they've had cancer because they don't want people to feel sorry for them or treat them different. But all that said, I think it is more acceptable to have had cancer than to admit to csa. So many people still think of this as something that you should just "get over" or get past. And then there is that whole "are you sure?" question because we all know that little kids misinterpret things, right? It makes people so uncomfortable.

I might have posted this already, but my brain is tired tonight so I'm going to tell it again. After doing some thinking about when during sex I float away, my therapist asked me if I get scared if it feels good. I got pretty upset and said it never feels good (but I'm not really *there* so how can I be sure?) and it probably never will. That this, along with so many other things, were ruined for me. He gave me this speech about how it is still possible for me to have these things in my life in a good, healthy way, but it will take a lot of time. And I would need to be with someone who is safe and who would go slow. I said, "they would need to know what happened to me." He agreed. And then I burst into tears and said, "why would anyone want to have sex with me if they knew?" He very quietly said, "because they love you and are turned on by you."

It is so hard to believe that telling about this will bring someone closer, not drive them away. Even members of a group for csa. You know?




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