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Re: So much to say **trigger** antigua

Posted by daisym on February 28, 2006, at 20:41:52

In reply to So much to say **trigger**, posted by antigua on February 28, 2006, at 8:52:46

I've been reading the past week and there have been so many posts I've wanted to respond to, but.. well, you all know how that is so if this sounds disjointed and all over the place, please forgive me.

***I like disjointed and all over the place. These are usually fun posts to read.

About Babble. I find it hard, too, to read the pain in other's posts and I know that I'm triggered a lot by what others have gone through. But my admiration for how hard everyone is working is boundless. I learn something every time--it's not always easy, and it hurts, but I hope we are helping each other. You guys make me see things in a different light, which at times opens up whole new areas to explore.

***I think everything you said is true. And I find that I might not be able to figure out what I want but I can see what I don't want sometimes. And it is hard to respond to each person you want to help, but globally we are a force to be reckoned with.

I've been kind of floundering since I told my mother about the csa. Our relationship is so much better. I can't say I'm truly honest w/her always (old habits are hard to break), but the benefit of being able to call her w/questions about things that come up in therapy has been very helpful. I'm finding, of course, that we may see events differently, but she hasn't backed down yet, or become defensive.

***You are so lucky. I'm really jealous and terrified realize how much I want my mom to know. Has your mom talked to any of your siblings about what you told her? I wonder if you'll get some of your memories back based on the details you are filling in from your mom?

Maybe part of it is that I see my therapy ending and I have a whole raft of feelings about that. It may not be for a year or two, but we are on the downside. But it's hard, because I've learned that I have to learn to deal with these things myself now. She has given me tremendous tools which I'm forever grateful for. She has taken to giving me huge hugs at the end of every session and telling me how much she loves me and is proud of me. I'm getting that from my mother now too (which is where this really should come from) but it still is encouraging. I'm not afraid of the therapy ending; I know we will maintain some type of relationship that will work for me. Her boundaries aren't as tight as some other Ts.

***Sounds like her boundaries are just right for you. Those hugs sound awfully nice. I think you take your time ending, if that is in the cards. I like the way you wrote that: A whole raft of feelings. It brings to mind the ability to stay above water with these feelings, not drown in them. I'm sure your therapist will give you the time and space you need to process whatever comes up during termination.

I still don't remember everything that happened to me and maybe I never will. That's hard because I use that as a denial that this never happened. I don't hate my father, but I don't love him unconditionally anymore. I was always afraid that if I let go and accepted that he was evil in many ways that I would have so much rage and anger that I wouldn't be able to handle it, T or not. But what I've discovered is that it is the love I was afraid of. IF I told my mother than she wouldn't love me anymore, and that would have been worse than any rage I could ever experience. As you can see, I still have work to do.

***Sounds very much like something one of my younger parts would say. When I question why I didn't tell my mother, one of the answers is "she won't love me anymore. She'll know I'm bad." Loving and hating someone is very hard. Recognizing the faults in others, especially our parents, is really really hard. But letting yourself recognize your dad as someone who could abuse you is impossibly hard. Because in a sense, you lose him all over again, don't you? And not only are you giving up the fantasy of unconditional love for him, but him for you to. And wow, that hurts.

Right now my job is to figure out how to handle the rejection I feel from certain men that I've been attracted to (all like my father). I know that they are unavailable types (and I don't really want THEM; it's what they represent), but the way they ignore and/or reject me after I open myself up (which they encourage) just hurts so bad. I know the answer is not to do this w/men I don't know very well, and I will not do this again, but there is a pattern out there I need to fix. These two men make me feel so ashamed of myself, as if I'm dirty and disgusting for sharing (I've never told them about the abuse, this is just regular life stuff). I know this doesn't make much sense, but I have to fix this, which means coming to an understanding of how this is a repeat of my father. Maybe it's the "why me?" question that I've never asked before. I always figured it was just the luck of the draw that my father did this to me. It didn't make me special in any way; it's just part of my life. But that is also denying that this was done.

***I think a large part of it is coming to terms with what we deserve. Why do you open yourself up to men you know are going to hurt you? Fro me, it is a complicated mix of wanting to prove to yourself that you can get the attention of your dad, of wanting to get something you never got from him and somehow proving over and over to myself that the hurt I expect to happen will. Over and over again. Therefore, I must deserve it.

***We talked about sex today and about how my mind runs away from feeling any pleasure as quickly as it runs away from pain and fear. We talked again about how it is going to take a lot of work to make someone safe enough to feel pleasure with, to come back in the room and allow myself to experience it. I said it would probably have to be with someone who knows about the abuse and is willing to go really slow. He agreed. "But why," I wondered, "would anyone want to have sex with me if they knew about all the dark stuff." He looked at me and said, "because they love you. Because they are turned on by you." I said that was impossible to imagine. And not the answer I expected.

Oh, this is so confusing, I'm just babbling.
Hope everyone has a decent day--I'm going to try to!
***I hope I didn't add to the confusion. And I hope you had a good, better than decent day. One of my teachers brought me daffodils today. They are so cheerful. Not daisies, but a close second. :)

Love and hugs Antigua. I'm glad we're friends.




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