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Re: I went this morning ... (to all)

Posted by annierose on February 28, 2006, at 11:51:47

In reply to Re: LONG annierose, posted by fallsfall on February 28, 2006, at 8:25:29

and it's only slightly better ... maybe 1/2 inch.

I told her that I came here, babble, for help and support and understanding last night. She asked why it was easier to talk to my internet friends vs. her. I didn't reply directly, but spoke about what I wrote.

There was lots of silence still but the ratio was better. She made some connections to how I felt growing up, so criticized, so alone and how I feel a need to protect myself --- that it's such an automatic response. That instead of looking forward to coming on Monday to gain insight and gather support (re: the fight w/husband), I feel ashamed and embarassed.

One comment that struck so true is how I associate any "need" with "failure and/or disappointment". That I don't trust the other person to receive my pain appropriately or follow through with their promises. She tried to instill confidence in me that she is caring, chose this profession because she wants to help others, that she does listen without casting judgment.

I let her know I felt a disconnect between us. I couldn't elaborate further.

My mom had 5 children in 9 years, and my T asked for all our birthdates. She tried to paint a picture of my life as a baby and toddler. A mother with extremely limited emotional capacities, and all these needy children. She said I probably gave up early on, depending upon myself before I had words. I feel that to be true. She made a point that children who suffer any type of emotional or physical/sexual abuse either succumb to the neglect or overcome it by sheer strength and desire --- (not her exact words) and she considered me in the latter.

Can I still hate her and love her at the same time?

No question I feel more cautious in that room. I do feel the appointment-change wound is still too fresh. And now that I have to see that woman next week is more than I can stand. Cancelling is hard on me. She isn't working that Friday, and my Thursday morning was already crammed with ortho appt and hair appt.

Remind me why I go?

 

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