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Re: LONG Daisym

Posted by annierose on February 28, 2006, at 5:48:13

In reply to Re: How come I don't like therapy right now? annierose, posted by Daisym on February 27, 2006, at 23:15:33

>>>I think you don't like her because she isn't giving you anything to push against. Could it be that you don't like yourself very much at the moment? <<<

That feels really close to what I'm feeling. I did tell her last Tuesday that I don't like sharing all these painful longings, disappointments, failures, mis-steps along my life's path. That when I'm there, it one endless video running through my mind of where I went wrong. But that's not all of me. This feeling like a failure is powerful. I do believe it gets tied into my past relationship with her, after I left so abruptly. That I wanted her to be proud of me, that I did okay after I quit. And now here I am, 16 years later shedding a light on all my secrets. I shared that too last week. She said that "That person you are describing isn't me. That's not who I am. I care about you and helping you."

Yesterday, when I woke up, I felt more excited about going to see her than I had. I even left extra early due to icy road conditions. But the freeway was a slow moving parking lot. Instead of panic that I was going to be late, and calling ahead, I just accepted the lateness. When I arrived (maybe only 4 minutes late) she asked if we could change our Friday appt to Thursday the following week --- immediately after the "Golden Client" - my old appt time (as I now deemed her). Of course I said "yes" but inside I was moaning and groaning.

She asked how my skiing trip went and I lost my enthusiam for sharing my stories with her. We ski'd in early January and I was so cautious with the runs I went down. But this weekend, after weeks of stepping up my exercise routine (and not shedding one darn pound) I was able to just attack any hill my kids wanted to put me down. I was so thrilled with my body (for a change).

My husband and I got into an arguement as we were packing up to leave. Sharing this was so hard. I do feel she is saying to herself, "see, if you didn't walk out on therapy 16 years ago you wouldn't be in this situation." I did share this feeling last week as well. But I don't think she understands it's strength. Instead, she said, "At least you know he comes by that honestly (referring to his childhood). He is committed to you and the children. He is motivated to change as hard as it is --- it's not like he wants to divorce you." Inside I was reeling. Doesn't my T get it?? Of course my husband wouldn't leave me, why would he? He has it so good. I do everything, he just has to show up. It's ME that may divorce HIM!! How could she miss that??

I know that feeling of being outside the therapy room, or looking at it from a different angle. But this feeling is different. My mind is racing and just can't settle. The urge to leave is strong too. I thought about sitting up but to look at her would be worse. It's easier to be silent lying down.

I hope today goes easier, but I already feel my looming silence.

Thanks for understanding.

(Falls - this is in large part what I wrote to you last night before my post was zapped into cyber space.)




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