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HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!

Posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

Hey HF. I wanted to start a new post because this got a little long and I didnít want to take away from your original topic. Your situation resonates with me and I thought I'd share an experience, that I donít talk about much. I am glad to see you are looking at so many angles regarding the relationship with your T. I know its so hard. I am not sure if my experience would be helpful but I will share it. About 10 years ago I had a T who started with good boundaries but they faded. I was very mother-hungry. I loved her and wanted to be her friend because she filled my mother gap so well. Slowly I saw the dynamic of the relationship changing. She brought her needs into the picture (now this would send off alarms in my head if a T did this). I felt so special. That I some how touched her and she was opening up to me. I needed a mom and what do you know, she didnít have kids so I fit that for her. I was in my bliss. My fantasy come true. We went to lunch, dinner, sporting events, she had dinner with me and my family, She even came to my family reunion as my family was getting to know my 'friend'. We cared about each other but not like in therapy. There was no longer objectivity, the trust changed. I learned so much about her life that I shouldnít have (ie-abuse, romances, etc) i felt weird meeting her family/friends. Almost 2 years later, perhaps through her own therapy and seeing what she was doing and why, she dropped me like a rock. There was to be no contact, no friendship, nothing. Just like that - in one phone call to me. I was beyond devastated. I stayed in bed and cried for days. This was a blow that would effect me the rest of my life (i was late teenager then). My fear of abandonment skyrocketed (it was already there because of my moms inconsistency). It took years to process this and recover and to this day in my own therapy, 4 weeks donít go by that we donít in some way talk about it. Its taken me 3 years to trust and understand that my T wont leave me like the other one did. Itís hard because I am so curious about my current T's life. I want to know more, i want her to love me. But I donít want to be her friend. That would ruin what we have, and what I have with her is one of the best therapeutic relationships I can imagine. I need that more than I need her to be my friend.

Getting involved with a T really messes things up and I think leaves you very confused....for a long, long time. I understand that you are weighing pros and cons of what you have with your T. That is so great! Make the best decision for you but know that regardless of what path you choose I will not judge you because I know how very hard it is. I would never recommend it, but I cant judge some one who felt the way I did then.

PS, If you are interested...a few years ago I contacted my T that left me. We had a great talk, I needed to process some stuff and I got some closure out of it. While the relationship went bad in the end this woman helped me a lot when I first went to her and will always be grateful for that part. I spoke with her again two months ago. Mainly just to say hello. Sometimes I want to tell her how much damage she did to me but I donít want to get caught in the past. I moved far since then. I think we both learned a lot from the experience. I still am.




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