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Re: Separation anxiety gardenergirl

Posted by All Done on February 26, 2006, at 2:33:15

In reply to Re: Separation anxiety All Done, posted by gardenergirl on February 24, 2006, at 16:21:38

> I'm so glad you posted this. Just yesterday I had one of those sessions where I just talked around a lot of things. In part it was because I was still pretty sick. I told him upfront that my brain wasn't capable of handling intellectual stuff easily and I didn't want to get all emotional, because, well, I had enough congestion and yuck without getting all crying/snotty. (sorry for overshare...I tried to tone it down. Really I did.)
> Anyway, I said something about wanting to maintain the connection to him even if I dind't feel like doing therapy that day. I had to reschedule my appt. from Monday to Thursday because actually we were both sick on Monday. And I didn't want to just wait til next Monday. Sigh. As soon as I said this, I started to cry. I really couldn't get to what exactly I was feeling. I know I work very hard to protect myself from whatever that feeling is. I consciously and unconsciously do this. I just don't like to think about my feelings for him in anything but superficial ways.

It really isn't easy to talk about. But, I can say, once I started, it got a lot easier. Now, I almost feel like I'm keeping a secret from him when I hesitate to tell him something about my feelings for him. It's important to talk about, I think. But I also understand the feeling of wanting to protect yourself. It's scary. :( Have you ever said anything to your T? How did he react, if you did?

> And I think what you wrote about fearing he was horrified and worrying that he had to struggle for an acceptable reaction...I think I worry about that, too. When he asked me why I was shying away from it, the first words out of my mouth were, "Fear of rejection." That sort of felt right, but it also felt too simplistic. I think your description of wanting to believe him to be authentic, but sort of twisting it yourself...that feels more like it with me, too. He did say once before that I seem to have a very hard time with "experiencing someone (him at the time) caring for me." I wish I could remember what he had said that was caring. D'oh! But I do remember almost immediately minimizing it and being self-deprecating.

I do it all the time. I've even gotten frustrated with myself. I want to feel that others care for me or love me, but part of me immediately takes over and says there's no way that could be true. They're just being nice. If I do have the wits about me to argue with that feeling, I still never win. So, logically, I may hear what they're saying, but I resist the emotions.

> Why do you think we have trouble with accepting that someone can care about us? And is there an "ick factor"? I know I actively run away from any "icky" thoughts/feelings related to my T. And I tell myself they aren't really that big of a deal, almost like I'm imagining them or it's just a fluke. (And really.....they're no big deal....right? Bah! See GG run away!)

Well, one theory I have about myself is that someone actively letting me know they care for me is sort of foreign to me. Because of my mom's history of abuse, she didn't "allow" my dad to show his caring and love in the typical ways a father can show love for his daughter. And, frankly, she is too narcissistic to really show anyone how much she cares or loves them. So, I didn't learn how to experience it and the only explanation for not getting it must have been that I wasn't worthy.

> It's so darned confusing. I know how hard this has been for you, and I want to join the others in saying, "Good job!" As Emmy would say, La La gets a biscuit!


Where is Ms. Tofu, anyway? I miss her.

> And thanks for helping me think through some of my dilemma.

Glad I could help.

> And btw, N is a very lucky little boy. His mommy loves him and makes sure he knows it.
> (((((AllDone)))))

I can't seem to stop myself from letting him know I love him. :-)





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