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Re: Separation anxiety daisym

Posted by All Done on February 26, 2006, at 2:14:14

In reply to Re: Separation anxiety, posted by daisym on February 24, 2006, at 15:36:04

> I think posting this here is perfect. I just wish there were books for 44 year olds, not just 4 year olds.

Me too.

> You know, one of the things that happens at 4 is that kids become really aware that they are small children in a big world. They are aware of their limitations, especially in controling their parents. They typically are so conflicted about wanting to be independent and live up to our expectations ("wow, 4, you are a big boy now") and wanting room to cling and fail. They are also really aware of their own agressive and negative impulses as being "bad" and may want you to help them control themselves -- and to keep them safe from the Other 4-year-olds. The other huge developmental task is "remembering to remember." We know kids can remember things, but they often "forget to remember." Which is why we often hear parents say, "why did you do that?! You know the cat doesn't like to take a bath!" The child looks at you and goes, "oh yeah." It typically isn't willful agression, it is forgetting to remember. At 4, kids really do begin to use recall from previous experiences. So he can remember to miss you each day. I think your solution of calling during the day is brilliant.

Thanks, Daisy. This is such great stuff. I've got some child psychology books on my wish list, but I've been trying to wade through all the other know, for me. I generally try to let N dictate when he's ready for his developmental milestones and such, but sometimes, I don't understand *why* he's where he's at. What you've said makes so much sense and really fits with his actions.

> And it speaks to what my therapist is always telling me: "allowing yourself to touch base and feed the need will help lessen its power, not give it more power." I think as adults we are so busy struggling with the concept that the need itself is bad, we don't look for "easy" solutions to meet the need, like we would for a child.
> I know all this...but boy is it hard to self-apply.

No kidding. Well, you know how much I resist ever calling my T. Yet every once in awhile, I think just to hear his voice would help get me out of the awful cycles I get myself in.

> N is lucky to have you as a mom. And your therapist is lucky to have such an honest, open client. I'm glad you are chatty. Helps all of us, I think.

Thanks again, Daisy. I think I'm going to tell my T just how lucky he is next time I see him. ;)

And thanks for reassuring me. I worry that I talk too much about myself. Then again, I worry about a lot of things.




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