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Re: moving more deeply (trigger) Daisym

Posted by Pfinstegg on February 26, 2006, at 1:22:31

In reply to Re: moving more deeply (trigger) Pfinstegg, posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 0:23:03

Oh no, not silly at all- they are just terrifying. Mine, too- impossibly terrifying. If your T. has a special group nearby for people suffering from csa, maybe it would be really comforting and helpful, and would lessen the terrible fears you are having. And I do know what you mean- it's terrible to have these fears and memories, but you don't want anyone to "take them away", after you have finally been able to express them. It would feel like part of you is being taken away.

My experience is that the EMDR therapist proceeds very carefully- and in co-operation with one's principle therapist. We had four sessions during which she just found things out. She does each EMDR session very carefully, checking how much fear I am having, stopping if I wish, or just pausing or stopping herself if she feels I am terrified. The sessions are really all about containment of all of you- not about taking anything away. What I have found is that my memories of what happened are, if anything, deeper and more real, but they are less filled with fear and shame. It has helped me to talk about them more deeply with my analyst- and to begin to mourn about them. What has improved is that I don't get so panicky in my analyst's office- I used to do so to the point of derealization, at times. But, I felt that I wanted to do the EMDR (which he had suggested earlier when I wasn't ready)- after three years of analysis I felt ready. My analyst knew another analyst who was trained in it. She is so careful and smart, and only does little bits at a time. She intersperses it with other techniques, which I've mentioned- like having "family meetings" of all the parts so that we will both know how they are reacting to everything, calming, grounding techniques like looking at five things in the room, touching five things, listening and smelling things- can't get to five in a psychiatrist's office for those! She does this whenever she thinks my anxiety is too high. If she feels any part is feeling hopeless, she has special techniques for helping them feel more empowered and valuable- focussing on just that part, and asking what its wishes are. This is what she does- and she really knows how to do it so that you feel contained and safe. Nothing dramatic occurs, for me- just little improvements. But your route may be equally valuable- the group really might be worth a try; you could just use it in whatever way seems right to you.

What I appreciate so much is that my fear and panic is getting slowly under better control. To me, that means that my HPA axis is less in overdrive, so that my depression is less difficult to manage. "We" are still all here, with all our feelings and memories- just a bit more comfortable than before. Truthfully, some of the analytic work, because of it's uncovering nature, made me quite a bit more anxious and terrified for quite a while.
I think things would have calmed down even if I hadn't done the EMDR, but it has helped things along. It undoubtedly influenced me that my analyst knew and trusted a colleague who did it.

My analyst is a bit unusual- for an analyst- as he likes to work in a treatment team. I think he feels that both he, and I, gain support and better understanding this way- and that we both have a better chance to grow. I'm including him, because he has said that he feels he grows in some way with each of his patients, and that that is one of the tremendous rewards of being a psychoanalyst. Obviously, it's just as true for psychotherapists who work deeply and intensively with their clients.




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