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Re: moving more deeply (trigger) Pfinstegg

Posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 0:23:03

In reply to Re: moving more deeply into ego state therapy... Daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on February 25, 2006, at 23:33:38

My therapist found a group run by another therapist in his building that is for women and specifically for csa trauma. But the thought of admitting some of this out loud makes me want to throw up. Which is probably why I need the group. I know a big part of the healing is to lessen the power of secret keeping.

I'm afraid of EMDR for two reasons...both probably groundless and silly, so bear with me. I feel a little like James Kirk in the movie Star Trek V -- "I want my feelings. I NEED my feelings. They make me who I am..." Before therapy and Babble, I was never allowed to talk about this stuff or feel these feelings. When I think about EMDR, all the younger parts start having a huge tantrum about being shut down again, closed off and denied the ability to share the horror of it. It *is* scary and terrible to have these pictures in my head. But they were repressed for so long, I want to allow them for a little while. Is it self-punishment? Or is it self-pity? I'm not sure...and logically I realize that EMDR does not take away the memories.

The other thing I'm afraid of is not being able to access the pictures while doing EMDR and thus creating even more doubt for myself. What if the therapist doesn't believe me? Again, logically I know what happened, happened. But there is a huge existing fear that no one believes me, that I'm a bad girl for telling such stories and I'm gonna get caught. HIS proof will be "better" than mine because I'm just the little kid with a vivid imagination, after all. I said something like this to my therapist last week when he asked what the youngest part of me really wanted to ask...she wanted to know, to feel, that he believed her. He said very gently but firmly that no child can describe penetration, oral sex and sodomy the way she has, over and over again, if it wasn't true. He waited, because hearing him say those words out loud made the room spin wildly, and then he said, "I believe you. Do you hear me?" All I could do was nod. Would an EMDR specialist be able to contain that? It is very frightening to contemplate. Maybe I'm just not ready. But I'll bring it up next week and see what he thinks.

Silly fears right? But real, none the less... :(

 

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poster:Daisym thread:612620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/613367.html