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Re: Iíve changed my mind: itís too scary (TRIGGERS) Ľ Daisym

Posted by Tamar on February 25, 2006, at 10:13:15

In reply to Re: Iíve changed my mind: itís too scary (TRIGGERS) Ľ Tamar, posted by Daisym on February 24, 2006, at 18:17:31

> I want to ask you to please not hurt yourself but I do understand the urges and the release.

I wanted to hurt myself again today but I was able to resist. It wasnít easy; the urges were strong, and also my legs donít match and I wanted to get them looking the same (I think Iím completely nuts!). But Iíve decided my legs donít need to match; maybe Iíll wear odd socks too!

> I think I'm like you; When I get sideswiped I go into automatic "it's fine" mode and really work hard to keep the other person from knowing how I'm feeling. I think I'm embarrassed to be having a strong reaction, even in therapy. And I have a need to carefully look at something privately before I share my feelings and reactions. So stream of consciousness is really hard for me.

Yeah! Iím very embarrassed to have a strong reaction, especially if I feel hurt. I worry if I show Iím hurt people will know how to hurt me again. Being able to hide my hurt feels like some kind of survival instinct.

> However, I do make it a point to try to take back to therapy my thought process and how I felt initially, what I think happened and why. It is important to be honest, even if it is uncomfortable. And even if you can't do it in the moment.

Yes. I HAVE to talk about this next session because I canít bear for it to happen again. And I always had a kind of agreement with myself that I wouldnít cut my breasts, because I figured if I allow myself to cut my breasts I donít know where Iíll stop. So I think this was (for me) an indication that some of my feelings really are intolerable. Iím pretty sure that my therapistís theoretical orientation involves keeping transference out of therapy, but heíll just have to deal with it because I canít handle it by myself any more. I know this cutting was hugely transferential; I know itís about my father, and I know itís about rejection. But knowing isnít enough any moreÖ

> I do understand that standard "I don't think it is helpful to you if I tell you that" answer. But I always want to answer, "I trust you with some really personal can trust me with this." And when I don't get an answer, I'm mortified that I even asked. I feel like I broke a rule, I stepped over the line and God forbid, I made him uncomfortable somehow. I hate that feeling! Feels like I get an F in therapy that day.

An F in therapy: yeah, thatís it exactly. I feel like Iím doing it wrong. I want a guidebook or a map or something. And Iíd really like the forbidden territory to be marked with some bright colour so I donít go there by accident. I donít like being kicked out.

> *sigh* ((((Tamar)))) Feel better soon. I'm glad you posted today.

Thanks Daisy. Iím glad I posted too! I donít know what Iíd do without BabblersÖ




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