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Iíve changed my mind: itís too scary (TRIGGERS)

Posted by Tamar on February 24, 2006, at 9:27:58

In most ways my session today was pretty good. I talked about lots of stuff that I hate talking about. He was his usual encouraging self. He was careful and sensitive.

BUTÖ I was finding it pretty hard going. And at one point, when we were talking about faith, I asked him, ďAre you religious?Ē And he said something like, ďI donít think itís helpful to tell you my perspectives on things.Ē And I said, ďOh right; OK,Ē and we carried on.

I wasnít at all distressed that he didnít answer my question. I didnít ask out of any burning desire to know; it simply crossed my mind at that moment. And of course his answer came as no surprise to me.

But I was stunned at my reaction to his answer. I spent the rest of the session trying not to cry. Iím pretty sure I asked him the question just in order to feel that trusting him was the right thing to do; I wanted to feel more connected to him because I was feeling pretty freaked out by the words that were coming out of my mouth. But instead he pushed me away.

I wish heíd heard what I was really asking. I wish heíd asked me why I wanted to know, so I could have said, ďI donít really have an urgent need to know; Iím just feeling curious about you because I'm telling you so much about myself and I don't know anything about you.Ē

But I donít know how to ask for what I really want. I donít know how to stay feeling safe and connected when I start getting really freaked out. And when I feel as if I want to reach out to him, hoping heíll steady me (metaphorically), he seems to withdraw.

I came home and cut my arms, and then I cut my breasts for the first time. Iíve been wanting to cut my breasts for ages. In fact, Iíd like to cut them off completely.

Why canít I just tell him I want to stay connected to him? Thatís not outrageous, is it? ButÖ what if he refuses? What will I cut then?

How did I get so repulsive?



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poster:Tamar thread:612762
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