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Re: i have been thinking... Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on October 24, 2005, at 23:40:34

In reply to Re: i have been thinking... alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on October 24, 2005, at 21:21:22

yeah planning on moving on. i only put off moving on for so long because i wanted to get better before i went. i could have started applying to get out of here since the end of 2003 but i've been waiting for treatment...

fact is i'm not going to get any.

i won't have any coverage at all if i leave the country. us offered student health insurance. not so for australia. they treat for emergency and deport for non-emergency (if you can't fund it yourself). i won't even be going to a gp over there.

so that is that.

and even if there is a bloody miracle and i manage to get through 3-4 years of study without a single episode...

well then based on the stats i still probably won't actually get a job.

i wish i could have stuck to the revelation
it was so much easier to live with myself then
but one contact
one simple contact
and i spiral down out of control
once more.

that was horrible.
i think...
they really decided to bring out the calvary with respect to justifying their treatment decision.

i got the whole 'it would be unethical of me to treat you as much as i'd like to' f*cking b*llshit. because i... take time off people who need the service to function. major guilts. i felt like a three year old packing a tantrum because nobody would buy her a sweet.

and with respect to the bpd... he laughed. he really really laughed. he said there was no way i met criteria. and did i really believe that? and i said that sometimes when people start making assumptions and judgements about how you are as a person then you come to see yourself that way too. and he just laughed.

that messed me up so bad.
they told me i'd never be able to go back to varsity because of that.
they laughed at me when i said i wanted to - because of that.

and now he laughs.

i'm not doing so well.
part of me is just screaming out to do one hell of an 'I F*CKING TOLD YOU SO AND YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME AND NOW I'VE SHOWN YOU'. Everybody. Somebody.

Because... Chances are... That I really can't do it by myself anyway...

Kid throwing a tantrum...
or something...




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