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Re: Such a fake **Trigger** csa » Tamar

Posted by antigua on October 24, 2005, at 7:46:52

In reply to Re: Such a fake **Trigger** csa » antigua, posted by Tamar on October 23, 2005, at 20:02:14

"I think I know exactly what you mean. I wish therapists would realise this. But yeah: it has to be a man (in my case he has to be older that me) and it can’t be my husband, because he’s my husband."

>>I'm trying to reach out to my husband more, because he really does give the best hugs, but as you say, it's not the same thing, it's not what I need.

"I hope this isn’t too triggering… I’ve read in a number of places that women with a history of abuse often have sexual problems in long term relationships but have a tendency to get sexually involved with men outside their relationships and have much more satisfying sex. I think it’s probably the same kind of thing with the hugging. I think there’s something we look for that becomes somehow compromised in long term relationships. Maybe being with someone who loves us (or someone we know well) is somehow too dangerous…"

>>wow, some of this I've certainly thought of. My sister is the one who took the more promiscuous (s?) path. She is not well and we've never actually spoken about it, but I'm certain she was abused too. She's five years older. She has hated me my whole life (I'm serious; anyone in my family would vouch for this) and I think it has to do w/my father turning from me to her. I never had a sister, really, just another cost of the abuse (I'm not whining!)

>>As to an outside relationship being more sexually fulfilling, I wouldn't know, I've never had one. (That's not to say that at this particulr time if a certain man were to show interest that I could get myself into trouble). I've been in a very long-standing relationship w/my husband, and the good thing is that the sex is much better now than ever before--something to do with me letting go more and not being so afraid.

"And I think you’re right: I think the hug with another man won’t bring you what you long for. Even the best kind of sexual touch won’t do it. I’ve come to think that, for me, it’s a quest for magical healing. A kind of once-for-all touch that makes me all better. That’s what I want. And I find it so frustrating to have to find out it doesn't exist."

<<why do we have to go through life this way? At this point it is not a choice; maybe later on I will be able to see it that way, but not now, it's not finished.

I truly think that I'm blinded by the love I have for my father so that I don't have to look at the other side of him. Even after all this time, I still can't face that man. I'm ready to jump over to forgiving him because he had a deprived, disturbed childhood (not an excuse). My real problem, I think, is that I can't get to the anger, or the feelings. I'm bleeding inside but I can't let it out.

Thanks for your kind words. I really appreciate it.




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