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Re: Such a fake **Trigger** csa

Posted by fairywings on October 24, 2005, at 0:06:46

In reply to Such a fake **Trigger** csa, posted by antigua on October 23, 2005, at 18:46:46

> I'm getting really good at faking my life, pretending that everything is fine when inside I feel worse than mabye ever before. Maybe not that bad, but pretty bad.

I'm so sorry it feels so bad antigua. It's painful to feel you have to hide from everyone.

> I have a new pdoc who I saw on Friday. I'm certain much of these low, low feelings are about medication. The pdoc switched me off Effexor to Cymbalta,

Was there a reason to be switched off the Effexor? Do you have good feelings about your new doc?

>>Three days this week I stayed in bed literally all day, but, of course, jumped out of bed when the kids came home from school.

You're a good mom to get out of bed for your children when you're feeling so bad antigua. They're really lucky, and it's good that you are able to make that effort for them. I know how hard it must be. Tamar had a good suggestion, any chance you could get a little help, just to tide you over till the meds kick in?
> Therapy is so hard right now. Part of me thinks it's good to be hit w/these intense feelings while I'm unmedicated because I really think the medication keeps me from feeling. Feelings are always blocked; they aren't now. I still don't cry, though, that's the hardest thing to do. A good long cry would help, I'm sure.

It feels terrible both to have the really intense sadness, and to wonder where your feelings have gone or if you even have feelings anymore. I hope you get leveled out on the Cymbalta, and reach a mid point.
> Same old story: I just want to be held and told that it's all going to be o.k. I want to be touched, too, to satisfy the desire, and that's humiliating to face. Tricky thing is it has to be by a man and it's not my husband. I'd like to just get the damn hug so I'd discover it isn't what I long for, and then I could move forward.

I hope you do get that hug, and I hope that it feels good even if it's not the healing that you need. I think this must be a common need for women (or ppl) who've been abused. The need for hugs, because of thinking the hugs will be healing. When I want more from someone I think it will be healing and make me feel like there's an intimate (not necessarily sexual but on a more spiritual level) connection to the person.
> I can't stop thinking about my father and how much I loved him. I have this real dilemma, which I'm working on. If, as my wonderful T says, he is totally responsible for the abuse

Your father was responsible for his own actions. We're all responsible for our own actions. You didn't ask for the abuse, you just wanted his attention, and you didn't know any differently because you were a child. I know you said that, but it's true, and it sounded like you're having trouble accepting that. I'm not sure it meant you were less than nothing to him though. I think some ppl who abuse have such a warped way of thinking about relationships and you just don't know why they do those things. I certainly don't know why my father did, it's just too "out there" for me to understand.
> Does this make any sense? I'm sorry; I'm just so miserable. I know the meds will kick in, but moment to moment is so difficult.

It makes a lot of sense. Sounds like you're just trying to sort through a lot of really painful and confusing stuff, and need to talk it out. I hope the meds kick in for you, and that you don't feel as down or stop feeling altogether. Neither is good. In the meantime hang on to your T and babble.




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