Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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Such a fake **Trigger** csa

Posted by antigua on October 23, 2005, at 18:46:46

I'm getting really good at faking my life, pretending that everything is fine when inside I feel worse than mabye ever before. Maybe not that bad, but pretty bad.

I have a new pdoc who I saw on Friday. I'm certain much of these low, low feelings are about medication. The pdoc switched me off Effexor to Cymbalta, but I feel like i'm on nothing. It's all there, and I can't get away from it. He says we need to give the new drug more time; sometimes I worry there isn't time. Three days this week I stayed in bed literally all day, but, of course, jumped out of bed when the kids came home from school.

Therapy is so hard right now. Part of me thinks it's good to be hit w/these intense feelings while I'm unmedicated because I really think the medication keeps me from feeling. Feelings are always blocked; they aren't now. I still don't cry, though, that's the hardest thing to do. A good long cry would help, I'm sure.

Same old story: I just want to be held and told that it's all going to be o.k. I want to be touched, too, to satisfy the desire, and that's humiliating to face. Tricky thing is it has to be by a man and it's not my husband. I'd like to just get the damn hug so I'd discover it isn't what I long for, and then I could move forward.

I can't stop thinking about my father and how much I loved him. I have this real dilemma, which I'm working on. If, as my wonderful T says, he is totally responsible for the abuse (I accept this intellectually), that means I was less than nothing to him. It was him taking advantage of whatever body was available. So to take that tact leaves me with even worse feelings for myself. And yes, I did want the love and attention the good father gave me, and I know that I was just a child and that every child craves the attention, but to think I was nothing, that I asked for it, is so much harder to take.

Does this make any sense? I'm sorry; I'm just so miserable. I know the meds will kick in, but moment to moment is so difficult.




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