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Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » Tamar

Posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 20:07:11

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please » happyflower, posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:23:26

> > It is kinda of funny that your post is longer than my record breaking one! LOL
> Yeah… sorry about that. I need to learn to be more concise!
I am just joking, I appreciate every word you have to say. You just make a lot of sense out of all my nonscence. But now I am feeling a little weird knowing you are a teacher, and I can't spell anything right! LOL :)

>> I see what you mean. So perhaps it feels as if he is getting more intimate with you?

Yes, I feel like it is really seeming like a close friendship. He asks for my advice on his garden almost every session. We talk about our love of music every session. We talk about working out every session. He has even showed me pictures of his daugher , and old pictures of him and his family doing races and stuff. He told me he used to play the guitar, so much stuff I can't remember. He has told me personal medical stuff about him too. I know about his parents, siblings and their lives. I don't know to much about his wife except she is a teacher at a college. He did tell me last session he has been married 23 years, mostly happy.

>> By ‘likely responses’ I mean that he should know that a person with abuse issues is likely to feel a strong attachment to her therapist; in other words, that you are likely to feel he is very special. I think people with issues that are less personal can sometimes get through therapy without such strong feelings, but it seems to me that anyone with abuse issues is likely to experience very strong feelings about safety and trust, and therapists should probably be aware of that. But I don’t know whether the theory that therapists read is explicit about that…

Okay, I understand what you mean, now. He should know this stuff I would think, because he specializes in trama therapy.

> Well, it seems there’s not much point in having that kind of conversation. If you feel he is very special, then that’s simply how you feel and he has to deal with it. And if he feels you are very special, then that’s simply how he feels and he should take it to consultation with a colleague!

LOL, you are making me laugh! You are right though.
> The difficult thing is that it’s almost impossible to know whether a love affair would survive past the two year period. If you were to do it properly, you shouldn’t really have any contact after the end of therapy for two years. But 99 times out of 100 you won’t have the same feelings for him after two years of no contact. The transference that any woman would feel for any man she falls in love with usually won’t survive two years of no contact. I’ve always said I fell in love with my husband the day I met him, but I know it was largely transference and if I’d had to wait two years I probably would have found someone else (maybe I’m fickle). And if you spend two years waiting for your T and longing for him, it’s probably more obsession than love.

Yup, I think this is a good point. But then again how many relationships last anyways. It
seems like all relationship have the odds way against them lasting.

> Yeah, I reckon gay guys would like you too! Just don’t count on changing them (LOL!). What did your T say when you caught him looking at you?

LOL, nothing get past you! Well he just sort of shrugged his shoulders like "nothing" . It was a weird moment, because I was just chatting away looking out the window, and then looked at him, and he was just looking at me like I was the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. It almost took my breath away to be honest. All I could say was "what"? lol I am a little shy when in comes to stuff like that.
> I’ve always thought that if it’s meant to be it will work out, and things work out best if you don’t try too hard. At the moment there are a lot of things stacked against a relationship. He’s married, you’re married, he’s your therapist… it couldn’t be much harder if he were an alien from another planet. Even after therapy there are a lot of ethical issues. I do think it’s possible, but it’s by no means easy to establish a friendship (let alone a relationship) after therapy. There are some pretty stiff guidelines. I guess I would say it’s probably something you need to talk about in therapy, even though that might feel like you’re making it impossible. One thing I do know is that it’s horrible to find after termination that you long for something you’re not getting and you never took the opportunity to talk about it.

Yeah, I know about the things being stacked up against us. I guess I really don't care right now. I do have this connection to him that I can't explain. It is something I felt the first time I saw him . It is something that I sprititially feel. I have only felt it with my grandma, and old friend who died, and my new grandson. I really can't explain it in words. Then you know it is kinda of cosmic that we have so much in common, really wierd stuff too. Like we both own the same Grandma Moses print, which isn't common at all. (he has it in his waiting room. His sisters B-day is the same as mine, we run into the gym that one day. I didn't know he worked out there, and he is only there a couple days a month, and then to meet at the exact time. Then there was this instance were I went to a local garden that is about 3 hours away from my house, my DH refused to go, even for mothers day. Well I found out that it is in the same town that he grew up in, in fact he was home that day to see his mother. So we were only about 15 minutes from each other, 3 hours away from where we live. I could go on and on about these weird things and not so weird things.
> Fantasies are for enjoying! Sometimes they can also tell you something about yourself and open up areas of your sexuality that you never thought about before… I had an incredible fantasy about two men while I was in therapy, which was a real eye opener for me because I’d always though such ideas were very dangerous…

Hmmm. TWO men! WOW, now that sounds interesting! LOL

>> The real you is probably what he likes the most!
Yes. It’s always nice to hear the words. But if you can know without the words, that’s even better. If someone shows it without words, you know they really mean it.

You know you have just made my night, you are so sweet and nice. :)
>> Yeah. Treasure what you have. Every moment. The love that happens in therapy is so beautiful and so profound… it’s very special. It’s natural to hope for more, but if you can find comfort in what you have, then you’re already doing very well, I think!

Thanks, I think I will really think about this. How long was you in therapy with your exT? It sound like you are doing good too. :)




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