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Re: Worst I've Ever Heard alexandra_k

Posted by cricket on October 20, 2005, at 16:20:05

In reply to Re: Worst I've Ever Heard Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on October 20, 2005, at 15:47:01

> Oh yes, rightly so in context.
> But it sounds to me that when the cricket who posts here expresses her vulnerability she is as likely to be demeaned and blamed as she is to get a helpful response. Maybe this generalises to other parts too. In which case this is unhelpful. Maybe he is more sympathetic to other parts. In which case this is unhelpful because it doesn't generalise back to his treatment of the cricket who posts here - or it generalises back very erratically indeed. Either way...
Yeah, sometimes I leave there and feel like I'm nothing because I never get talked about. Right now he only wants to talk to one part. Maybe because right now she's the only one that still wants anything to do with him. But it winds up creating such inner conflict. I complained about that last session. How all my equilibrium was being thrown off. His response was so, you don't think that has to happen in order for things to get better.

> The cricket I see is a wonderfully sensitive and caring individual who is capable of offering caring support and advice to others. She is also capable of expressing herself really well and willing to look at her motivations and the things she contributes to the unhelpful dialectic that has emerged in therapy.
Thanks Alex. It's been so long since he's said anything remotely like that to me. Last night in my agony it occurred to me that I keep going to him and hoping for some reassurance, some comfort, some help. Why don't I learn that the well is dry?
> And that seems to me... That her behaviour is more adaptive, more healthy than anything he is modelling to her. More healthy and adaptive than anything he is encouraging from her. He seems to sow seeds of doubt. And to encourage them by discounting much of what she says and criticising or ignoring most of her genuine efforts.
> I think he is facing his demons...
> And not faring very well at all...
> I reckon...
> He needs more help than she does...
> Cricket - you need someone to work with you on elaborating and extending your strengths and abilities. Not someone who undermines you and encourages you to doubt yourself your strengths and your abilities.
Thanks Alex. I used to think he wanted to try and do that - elaborate and extend my strengths and abilities. I'm not sure where everthing went wrong. But it definitely did.
For now, I think I need to take the advice I gave to you. I do have strengths and abilities and there are things I want to do with my life. I have to stop living for the purpose of making a connection with a person who really just doesn't care. Because even if a miracle happens and he comes back and manages to express some care and give me some help in a few weeks we'll be back in the same pattern again. It's happened so many times.

So maybe we'll have little chats too until this part is ready to leave him. He'd probably like that. He'd probably think it was progress.




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