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(Unrequited/sort of) Love with my Therapist

Posted by allisonross on October 20, 2005, at 9:02:40

PLEASE stay with me? I have breathtaking, exquisite, excruciating feelings and am in love with my T (I would have been attracted/fallen in love with him if I had met him anywhere else---as I told him---it has little to do with his skills, and everything to do with who he is; we are soulmates, and I told him that HE is ME in male form! This will be long (can ya stay and read it all? (Bearing my soul/life story here of 41 years of abuse), but my focus is on falling in love with my T.....Been with him for 3 years...went for a kind of abuse I had never heard of: Spiritual Abuse (you can read the whole sordid story on The Transcendent Child on Overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse)...published with the Ph.D.'s no less!! Voted out of a 31 year church membership, cause I got a divorce (then let the x live with me for 4 years afterwards); my t journeyed with me for the 18 months I fought the system, and taught me the most valuable words I'd ever heard: Restorative Justice--this is what you did...this is how it made me empowering to someone (except for 3 years in the army) abused for a lifetime..(my name was put up on a big screen in front of church, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD; just one of the pleasantries I endured; but I fought on, trying to stop the pastor of disaster from counseling any more women because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide)..As far as I am concerned he is the best on the planet (I told him so), and he agrees, LOL, LOL!! I've always been able to make something beautiful come from the ashes, and the result of the church debacle: (faith-based poems of anguish, healing, hope and comfort came pouring from my wounded t said it sounded as if "God was dictating the words to me." Okay, now on to the the falling in love stuff! After a year, I knew I was in love with him; I got the courage to tell friends tell me I have steel ba**s.....LOL!! Kinda silly not to write the word out, i think; silly me......anyway, we have had many discussions on the matter (one incident where I was really angry, and we talked and processed it, and it was wonderful!!) is incredibly, excruciatingly, painful...I could write a whole book on what has happened in the 3 years ...I will just give the Reader's Digest Version here....... He hugged me (I am a huggy, kissy, touchy-feely person) for over a year, and then stopped, because he didn't want it to "feel too good." Hmm..obviously it did? I have some incredible websites, etc., articles on how the therapy process has become mechanical/cold and downright cruel; if someone needs a hug; they should have it; we are all human, no matter what......this one particular (can't remember name right now) article opened up my eyes so wide, and I wish every therapist/client could read it; it make sense!! It talks about the therapy profession has been so sanitized, regulated, etc, etc.....I will find the site and post it tomorrow......anyway....I finally got the courage to tell me 2 I thought that HE had feelings for me......His answer: "I am deeply in love with my wife." I don't doubt it, but I realized later....he didn't answer my question.....I believe he loves me (100's of reasons why), but he is a person of such integrity, etc.....I said why couldn;t he be honest, and he said: "you want to hear my heart?" He's 1 of the most brilliant men I've ever known (not because I am in love with him, either LOL).......There's tons I could write here about bending the boundaries, but not ready to tell all, LOL!! He said that his colleagues would tell him to "run fast and far" but he will never abandon me (every man in my life failed/abandoned me; beginning with my father--never knew him; met him when I was in my 30's)........he sez he "falls in love with all of his clients"----I know he has to say that.......and so....i live with the incredible pain of unrequited love....(ex-husband being gone now for 5 months, and adjusting well!)....My T did something i thought was so incredibly loving and sensitive; only a few days after my divorce at our appointment, he got up, sat next to me (not touching); and we just sat there.....he was feeling compassion for my pain; I told him that the urge to move over and have him put his arm around me was so strong, but I have always kept my boundaries.....hey, how much longer can I keep this up; we tease and play, but also (as he said) "do good work together." After we discussed the me being in love with him, he felt it would work despite my feelings......we can discuss anything; that is the amazing situation...Bottom line? I believe he loves me...... ...I cannot help my feelings, only what I DO about them, and I DO want to......DO! (But i haven't) LOL......Love to hear from anyone in this situation




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