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Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig » Tamar

Posted by javableue on October 19, 2005, at 21:07:47

In reply to Re: Can't keep working or quit. *maybe slight trig* » javableue, posted by Tamar on October 19, 2005, at 18:24:02

>This is the sort of thing I inevitably pick up on, and if you don’t want to discuss it that’s fine. But I wasn’t sure from your description whether you were talking about sex or violence or both. Though of course it’s none of my business… But do let us know if you want some support.

It was along the lines of sex, but really nothing, relatively speaking... if I ever managed to get it out, I think it would be hard to take seriously that something so minor affected me so much. I still can hardly believe it. But it did.

>I know that anxiety about termination has come up a few times recently. My own view use to be that there’s not much point talking about it before you’re ready to think about it, but someone else once made a good point that if it’s worrying you, you should talk about it. (I can’t remember who it was; I’m sorry not to be able to give credit to the appropriate person.)

I'm still trying to decide what I should do. I think I'll suggest writing my concerns out for him, and leaving him to judge, based on the answers and my condition. I don't know if he'll go for that, because he does prefer that I say as much as I can out loud, but it's worth asking. It's just sticky because (can't remember if I said this initally or not) at this point, I'm not ready to deal with it if it turns out it won't go the way I'd hope it would... but the uncertainty risks undermining the trust I have for him. I'm just so afraid of bringing it up. He's a child psychiatrist working for the health care system, and I recently turned 18... so given that he's already agreed to see me for nearly an extra year (until I figure out where I'm going to university and can get something set up there), I feel like I don't even have a right to even express that I might prefer it if things went a certain time.

>It does seem as if something’s coming up… I’m glad to hear you expressing so much confidence in your T. It sounds as if you really believe he can help you.

Things have definitely improved in that regard since the summer. I went away to a French immersion for five weeks, and he looked after my fish for me; I'm insanely protective of my pets and my parents are absolutely incompetent and uncaring when it comes to animals, so in fact that was what allowed me to go in the first place. That likely had a really good effect. Unfortunately, it seems that being away from home that long and using a language I'm more comfortable with than my mother tongue meant I felt safe too long and opened up too much and now... I can't reverse it, even though it isn't safe to be like this at home. And I don't even know what I've opened myself up to.

I'm not sure I want to, at this stage, but I know I have to try.





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