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Re: i have been thinking...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2005, at 20:18:14

In reply to Re: okay so now i'm even more serious about quitting Tamar, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2005, at 20:05:29

scam got me thinking about a variety of things...

what most struck me was the point that oftentimes people in the service encourage people to believe that they will die outside the service.

that hit me real hard. thats pretty much what i believe. that i'll die if i don't get help. that i'll fall apart. that i won't be able to function. that i dont' have a future. that there isn't any hope.

and what has the service done for me?

one helpful therapist
and so much so very much harm that i just can't even start to get that across
and they gave me horrible stereotypes via which i learned to view myself
attention seeking
and they provided me with supplimentary symptoms and encouraged me to...
get worse
because i had to get worse to get treatment
and i believed i'd die without it.

and so i'm powerless and i hate them so much
and i've given them the power
and they encouraged me to
and it has f*cked me up so immensely
and it has almost resulted in my death at times
i never started trying to kill myself
till i was hospitalised involountarily
i never started si
till i was asked about it so much i thought it might be something that was worth a shot - i mean it must help if people do it - right?

but there isn't anything wrong with me.
i'm okay.
i struggle at times.
but that is part of life.
i might struggle more than the majority of people
but that doesn't mean i have a disease
that i'm defective

and so i have been thinking about all this...
and i thought i found a revelation
i felt so very happy for the past few days
so very happy
but i've been spinning a lot too
because of all the other sh*t that was mixed up with that stuff.

i think... i need to move on from the services.
move on from therapy
move on from feeling guilty about not taking a medication that really doesn't seem to help me anyway.

and yesterday...
i got a letter.
that registrar i went to see...
has recomended that i be discharged from the service.

i'm discharged.

they discharged me.

i don't feel i have access to the 'revelation' anymore. times really are very tough sometimes. but the point is that the service harms me more than it helps.

and enough
i've had enough

i have people who mean a great deal to me
a strangers smile means a great deal to me
other people are mostly kind if you give them a chance
things are hard at times
but i'm going to make it
i don't need them

and i am going to work on this:

i don't want them

i dont' want them harming me anymore.

time to move on.

i'll keep seeing my t from uni.
we can have our general chats and i'll take comfort from the fact that she cares

but its probably a good thing that i'm not feeling too attached to her

new country
new start

i dont' wan tto see myself as mentally ill as diseased as NEEDING the mental health service anymore.


and i feel more at peace.




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