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I guess it comes down to responsibility...

Posted by Racer on October 19, 2005, at 14:33:40

In reply to When you react with pain to your T, posted by Racer on October 18, 2005, at 14:09:07

I think Daisy had a point, about taking responsibility meaning that we had control -- in some sick way. There's also the thing about other people forcing responsibility onto us, like my boyfriend in college who told me that I was awful, because I 'made' him hit me. (Uh, guess I should mention that he hit me twice -- once during the period that led to our breakup, then on the day he found me trying to leave him. Yeah, somehow thought that hitting me gave me incentive to stay, huh?)

Last year, during my Nightmare, one of the case managers had a conversation with me that started with me asking him when it was appropriate for me to call him. He responded with a talk about how calling him would probably make me dependent on him, and therefore stop me from depending on myself, so it probably wasn't appropriate to call him at all... Of course, that led to my usual, 'oh, I can't ask for help from anywhere, because the asking will be worse than the not asking, and there won't be any help anyway...'

So, I'm rambling here. Let me try to wrap this up.

I heard most of my life that I had to be strong enough to protect myself; that no one else had any responsibility for my feelings; that if I felt bad, it was because I wasn't doing enough to avoid feeling bad; etc. Most of those things are true in context, but they're not universally true. If someone says, "Hey, Racer, you're ugly and stupid!" that person kinda does have some responsiiblity for me feeling bad, right? It's also true that, in that situation, I can take responsibility for my feelings, and remind myself that I'm neither ugly nor stupid, and I can remind myself that anyone who says such a thing is not worth worrying about getting approval from, but it's also OK to feel bad that someone would say something like that to me. Right? I think?

Anyway, that comment about me being a 'magnet' for that sort of nightmare has really thrown me for a loop. It does take me back to things like that case manager, who really knocked me off balance in a way that I still haven't recovered from. I do have a sense that I'm looking to someone else inappropriately, but I don't know when it's appropriate to ask for help, or accept help, or just turn to someone in my need. I go through the "I need something from someone -- so I'd better find a way NOT to need it, since I'm supposed to be able to care for myself."

Well, this ain't quite what I meant to write about, although it's part of it -- just not exactly put together, and I'm crying right now so won't try to fix it. I guess I'm asking about responsibility, and when and how to allow myself to need. Anyone wanna help complete some thoughts for me?

Thanks for reading. It is a warm feeling to know that I can communicate here without feeling so anxious and ashamed.




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