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Re: When you react with pain to your T Racer

Posted by daisym on October 19, 2005, at 0:59:50

In reply to When you react with pain to your T, posted by Racer on October 18, 2005, at 14:09:07

Anyway, what do you do when you have that sort of tidal wave of pain over something like that? My T tried to remind me that it really wasn't my fault, that it was OK for me to accept the sympathy without making myself 'wrong' or a 'PV' but it doesn't really sink in.

Initially I clam up. Well, actually I nod and agree and say something stupid and benign and try to ignore the shock going on in my head. I usually want to bolt so I can sort out my feelings and figure out how to hide them in private. I know exactly what you mean by the "magnet" for stuff -- when we look at how I've re-enacted a number of things my therapist describes it as "uncanny." That makes me feel so foolish, almost like I should have been able to prevent it somehow.

The other thing that kicks in for me when my therapist touches a really sore spot is my need to protect him from my reaction. I don't want to him to feel bad because he made me feel bad. (Did you follow that?) Because I don't think I should feel bad, I think I'm being too sensitive or childish. And the cardinal rule growing up was to never cause discomfort to another person -- and that included calling them on their mistakes.

*sigh* I sometimes wonder if some of this isn't left over need to control things. And if we can take hold of our pain, own it, and not attribute it to someone else causing it, we maintain our illusion of being in control of things. All things.

I'm glad you are talking to her about this. It is hard but worth it.




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poster:daisym thread:568567