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Re: Anybody else have very *trigger* Damos

Posted by fairywings on October 18, 2005, at 19:25:22

In reply to Re: Anybody else have very little feelings? fairywings, posted by Damos on October 18, 2005, at 17:26:49

> I used to be really good at pretending I didn't have any. To the point where I believed I really didn't. But I did.

Hi Damos, did you finally let all of your feelings out, and what came out? Was it sadness, depression, anger? How did it come out, and how did you deal with it? In what way did therapy help you find those feelings?

> It wasn't that I didn't feel. It was more I couldn't afford to. Everything I had went into maintaining the veneer of okayness and I couldn't afford even the tiniest crack. So in the end it was fear, pure and simple, fear of what would happen if I let this stuff out and experienced it.

Did you feel the fear when you did let it out, was it overwhelming? I guess I do have a bit of fear of either what might be lurking, or of allowing someone else to see what's lurking, or then again that there's nothing there at all.

>>Don't know but maybe it's the same for you in a way. Maybe right now there's so much going on and built up that you just can't afford to let yourself feel it all.

I really don't feel much of anything I don't think, other than anger and frustration - I have way too much of that. I'm afraid I don't have feelings anymore. I"m more afraid of that. I remember how I used to feel when my dad was after me, and the fear and terror I'd feel, and then the incredible hurt, and there was so much humiliation. And I remember my mom's rejection and that I wasn't allowed to feel happy, but thinking about that doesn't even makes me sad. I worry that in some ways I've just turned off inside. I'm also afraid to cry in front of anyone. I haven't really cried in so long, and I feel like I can't let that out, but I don't feel sad, so maybe I won't.

> There's another thing that happens with my D that is happening again right now. The need to shut down, cut off, push away everyone and everything - to not feel.

Yes, that's more what it feels like, and the other day, when I felt like my T was defending my father, I was so hurt I just wanted to shut everything down, and push everyone away.
Thanks Damos, thanks for caring,




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