Psycho-Babble Psychology | about psychological treatments | Framed
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When you react with pain to your T

Posted by Racer on October 18, 2005, at 14:09:07

Last week, I had a reaction to something my T said -- just tightened up inside myself, in pain and fear and huge waves of shame -- and although we talked a little about it, I'm still bothered by it. I don't know quite what I'm hoping for by posting this, but I figure whatever I do get will be good, so....

We were talking about The Nightmare from last year, of that agency from [warm climate], and something that was going on when I first found Babble way back when that was very similar. Both situations involved getting 'treatment' through the counties while I was uninsured. After I told her about something that happened way back when, she said something like, "You're like a magnet for this sort of thing. I find myself thinking it's unbelieveable -- I do believe you, because I've seen what county systems can be like. I find myself wanting to cure what was done to you." Now, while I had a little blip of reaction to the part about "unbelieveable," what really sent me over the edge was that part about me being a magnet for it...

Now, that does echo what I heard throughout my childhood, that I was the one at fault, since I attracted the bad things. But beyond that, there was a huge wave of shame that it was true -- that it was my fault, that somehow I attracted the bad things that went on around me, that I was a kind of poison, etc. It goes back to the "professional victim" thing that always rides me -- 'gotta pretend it doesn't bother me, because to admit that something hurts, or that I wasn't responsible for it happening to me, would be to place myself in the role of a Professional Victim.' Does that make any sort of sense?

It's funny what sorts of memories that brings up for me, too. Like the time I had just stepped off the curb to cross the street -- with the green light -- and was knocked down by a kid on a bicycle. I felt guilty! It only occured to me much, much later that he really was at fault, and that I should have gotten his info to pay for cleaning the silk suit I was wearing. {shakes head} That's a typical Racer Reaction to the world, by the way. Although I joke about it, I have a huge amount of anxiety and guilt and shame about bad things that have happened to me. There's still a significant part of me that blames myself for my molestation -- if I hadn't avoided it all together, at least I should have been able to fight him off, if I hadn't been so weak because I was lazy...

Anyway, what do you do when you have that sort of tidal wave of pain over something like that? My T tried to remind me that it really wasn't my fault, that it was OK for me to accept the sympathy without making myself 'wrong' or a 'PV' but it doesn't really sink in.

(By the way, I did tell her what I felt. I'm not writing this instead of talking about it in there -- so I've moved ahead a good deal with this T.)




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Racer thread:568567